weekend of debauchery

my oh my oh myI feel about a hundred years old.So, saturday was that day that comes once a year when we celebrate St George, Shakespeare, this year the exodus and my coming of age.I'm celebrating freedom.I woke up very early in the morning, the doorbell's shrill calling and flowers just for me! I've never been sent flowers, they were such beautiful dark red roses they almost made me want to cry. Usually on birthdays I've picked all my presents about a month in advance so there's no excitement. But this year it was all surprises. I got a patterned tent (don't laugh, i have uses for it), its flowery and I will be the belle of the ball this year at reading. also got tickets to guys and dolls where I get to see the rather delicious ewan mcgregor perform. fanatastic. I could go on listing gifts but is it really that interesting? If you want to know more (you have insomnia and need something to occupy you) ask. My brother and I went on a triumphant stroll to the off-license. it was a bit of an anticlimax as they didn't id me. rats. We also spent ages in the party shop trying on different masks. he's turning into a boy i'm very proud to call my brother. he got 3! I got one plus new wings for me to fly in. It was seder night (that's the celebration first night of passover week) so i had my family over. it was somewhat depleted with my keates and kipling quoting grandfather in hospital and guitar girlie rachel on a d of e camp out. I'd helped with the cooking and we sat down to do the service. this involves doing some readings, prayers, songs and symbolism before tucking into a yeast-free diner. They made the strangest cake, it sunk and was incredibly skinny. a waif of a cake. My gal-pals (oh, i must never use that phrase again) came over to dress up. We went to a shakespearean theme club night up in londinium. I tugged on my stocking, tutu, cloak, eyeliner, evening gloves and top hat, set my wings then was ready to go. my baby brother let me put some eyeliner on him, he looked really good. got there quite early and made jokes about the pub next door that i am surely too old to find funny. little boy got in fine, he was masked up and I just walzed in and said 'I'm paying for the donkey'. which made everyone laugh. I got copious free drinks and kisses a-plenty. very loevly. I danced my little socks off, and had my first ever absinthe. reminds me of gaviscon. thats a good thing, i like my aniseed. everyone was so pretty, It was pretty much impossible to tell who was gay or straight, sometimes even male or female. beautiful, I was in rapture. I came with a midsummer night's dream clique, a puck (I like....pucking), 2 bottoms, a peaseblossom, juliet and a fool. i was cobweb. if cobweb wore a top hat. felt a little intimidated by some others, i really wanted to talk to everyone and tell them how fabulous they looked but the wallflower in me got scared. I met a pirate, a romeo, a caesar, another puck and a julia from brideshead. atleast that's what she was to me. what a gorgeous night, kit and lived up to our dancewhore reputation. we almost found hamlet. almost. better luck next time. The next day i threw a drunken picnic. lots of asti and rose, blankets, music, my friends. we lay around, very chilled, cute fun. more flowers. all sweet.Now I'm actually having to work, i had 2 tests today! I feel most hard done by. my oh my I am so very old.ps there is a photo of me here on my bday here : http://www.glam-ou-rama.co.uk/gallery_cats_view.asp?catid=1032 can you spot me? rate nicely xx

Sehnsucht

tear the petals off of you....So today is my last day of being a child. I feel that I should have gone to the park or got out my old teddy bears, maybe watched some disney. It was come-as-a-childhood-literary-character day at school, all the little girls dressed as faeries, puss in books, witches and a couple of brilliant cat-in-the-cats. made my day. I feel that I am ready to grow up now, I've made my peace. seriously, I don't feel any hate or anger towards anyone (maybe with the exception of hitler but he never said sorry to me so I don't see why i should forgive him), I feel more in control of everything, ready to go forward. I've got a path and ambitions, I feel like I'm going somehwere. like a pheonix, rising out of the ashes!Today was so beautiful, i sat at the bus stop and watched the wind rain down pink petals, floating like snow, gathering in piles like a wedding day. it was warm and sunny but not enough for me to worry about getting burnt. I was going over to meet my grandmother's neighbour. She's a psycho-physiologist. We went for a walk with her little daughter and she told me about her career and qualifications. It involves things like sleep, stress, nutrition, she gives seminars and helps people out, advice on getting the most out of life, energy etc.She was very helpful, and she said I'd make a good psychologist because I'm a good listener. whta lovely thing to say. I met her cute little daughter too. Went to see my grandmother afterwards. She was also very nice, thoguh I find it owrrying how old and frail she seems to look now. She's recently got asthma. She asked me how I was feeling and I said i felt much better. she asked if I'd put on any weight, which i think wsn't very tactful on her part. i like to think that she said it because it wasn't that obvious. Her neighbour said i was very slim, which was nice. i think I'm getting more perspective today. yesterday I felt sure that I wa morbidly obese. But today...well, i'm not as thin as I once was but I'm probably quite similar to other people. I think i am getting my period (sorry to gross anyone out). this is kinda significant, i haven't had one for a year and feel quite ambivalent with it. i guess when i get it that will be the point when I cease to be 'anorexic'. If there is any fairness I will not get my period back on my birthday. that's just not fair. It's passover tomorrow, we're burning the chamez(levened food eg bread) in a little bonfire. I went out to get the bitter herbs and the shank bone today. they wouldn't sell me just the bone, I had the pay to have the meat too. how silly. Got my brother a dragon fruit. forgetting all my beliefs about how its killing the planet to fly exotic fruit across the globe, it really reminds me of our trip to singapore. it looks so pretty. My pumpkin plant has grown leaves over the ground. yippee!I got my brother a donkey mask from the school costume cupboard. he's gonna be bottom and I'm gonna be cobweb from Midsummer night's dream at tomorrow's shaklespearean ball. we're even getting a taxi home, how very glamourous. we'll get all dolled up and go dancing. like the princesses.I have stuck to my eating plan today, no binges! I'm pleased. first time in a long long while. They have opened a restaurant for anorexics in berlin. is it just me or does that sound like a stupid idea?maybe I should make some new year's resolutions. hmm, might come back to thisI will be more spontaneous, braver, healthier, stronger, more loving, more caring, more aliveWho should I vote for?Your expected outcome:Liberal DemocratYour actual outcome: Labour 8Conservative -36 Liberal Democrat 60 UK Independence Party 4 Green 45You should vote: Liberal DemocratThe LibDems take a strong stand against tax cuts and a strong one in favour of public services: they would make long-term residential care for the elderly free across the UK, and scrap university tuition fees. They are in favour of a ban on smoking in public places, but would relax laws on cannabis. They propose to change vehicle taxation to be based on usage rather than ownership.Take the test at Who Should You Vote Forhow helpful!

envy

We all have things about our friends that make us slightly envious. Not in a bad way, but in a "Wow! I wish I had that person's hair, eyes, money, relationship, toe nails, whatever."So tell me what about me makes you envy me (cheap-ass ego boost/comment whoring, I know), then post this in your LJ and see what makes me envious of you! Nicked from elven_queenhaha, you don't know me quite well enough. but this could be fun. envious of me, now thats a strange one...also here's the crucial question, can i get away with going out in hot pants? will i just look like a fat slut? I'll have a floaty dress coat with them so its not just them and a top.

double dare

whilst its fresh in my mind I'll just say yippee MCR are playing reading. I was just thinking about them as I washed my hair. its gonna be so much fun, me, my brother, a tent, skittle vodka, copious weed and shrooms, music music music, what an adventure. see me there!I saw my dietician in the pub yesterday, it was so strange. she's not supposed to have a life outside her job. or drink. all she can do is try and make me drink my milk. Back to the pub, well i did a very strange thing yesterday. do you remember the guy I met at the bus stop last week? well I was bored at work so I decided to txt him, my phone had buggered up and his last messages hadn't really worked. and he said he was getting a drink and did i want to drop by after work. and I was umming and erring. then i did something totally uncharacteristic. I called him! I do not call people I don't know well. It is scary. But I did it. And said I'd come out.*short intermission in which I loose my bankcard shiiiiiiit*Finally overcome terror and leave house. Get lost, he gives me wrong directions to the pub and we end up in different ones. Luckily a girl I know works in the pub I was at so I chatted and met the people she works with, not looking like I went to the pub on my own. Which would be a little pathetic. He turned up with a friend. The others think this is trange, meeting up with someone you don't really know. I felt like doing something spontaneous. He had a friend and we chatted. when I meet new people we seem to get onto very strange subjects. like interesting scars and encounters with wild animals. I lose on all accounts, i haven't done enough exciting things. But we all got on well, though I don't think I was attracted to them. I think they'd thought I was a bit older, said we'd go clubbing when i come of age.Which is this weekend by the way. if you love me you'll show it with lots of gifts: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/registry/397RRYIZERBFD/ref%3Dwl%5Fem%5Fto/202-5149247-8890209just kidding. its not about presents, i haven't really asked for anything. I have everything I need, more than i need. The best things I have you can't buy in a shop or wrap in a box. anyway. my family's coming over for the seder meal. it'll be the first passover without my grandfather. i don't know how it'll be, he usually lead. his jokes, little phrases, quoting keates and kipling, a gentleman's manners. 'if everyone got what they wanted we'd all be driving jaguars and have redheaded women'. I miss him. I hope he gets better, i'm not allowed to go see him in hospital. he doesn't want to be remembered that way. just how he was, alive. We're going clubbing. all my girls. guys are busy with other plans. ah, like pete says, fuck 'em. It'll be more fun all girly, getting glammed up in our glitter and furs. Its a rock'n'roll, glam rock retro pop kinda place with a shakespearean theme for saturday. sounds prrrrfect. I can drink, dance, giggle, sing. all that jazz. next day I'm having a joint birthday picnic, play games, sip champagne outta tea cups, lie about. sounds fun, very chilled. im enjoying inviting people.today i saw an assembley, it mentioned eco-ethical idea. like my plastic bag quest. I hate them!do you use plastic bags? stop it, reuse your old ones! I work in a shop and give them out all the day long. its destroying the planet, you selfish motherfuckers. anyway, thats the end of my rant.deary me, I've become quite the budding hippy. still not decided who to vote for. the end of the year it drawing close, i've got to really start working. or I'll fail everthing. but now doesn't feel like the right time, its time to be outside, running under the sun. free like the birds, falling to the floor like magnolia petals, turning in the wind.

growl

gawd, I am a misery! Have managed to have a really depressing weekend, fighting with both parents and myself over nothing particularly important. too much crying. I'm lonely. So I'm up here on my own, maybe I should go down and apologise. I don't feel sorry but I'm just so fucking sad and lonely, need company (attention, give-me-attention). Why does everyone lie so much? when they're angry they tell the truth. and I know they're so sick of me. Too much crying, my face feels sore. My birthday is in a week, its turning into far far more stress than it's worth. the food, organising, presents. it's sposed to be fun. Has anyone ever been to club bohemia, they have a shakespearean aball on, sounds fabulous. my grandmother is asking me to tell her what to give as a gift. I really have no idea, what's appropriate. any clues greatly appreciated (I'll be 18, this is supposedly an monument birthday). I think I'll have to humble myself and go apologise. i still feel angry but I hate it when I know people are angry with me, I feel so bad, like little dirt on the floor. In some ways I can't imagine leaving home but then i think i must start to have my own life, where I live for me and don't focus on my mother. maybe there's something freudian going on there. hehe. she says i shouldn't get so worried, its perfectly normal for teenagers to fight with their parents. but for me its not alright, seriosuly, it feels like the end of the world and I hate myslef to death for it. Sorry to whine. Had a bad night yesterday, but today went better. we went to see my grandfather's ashes, the spot where they are. I'm not sure what i'm supposed to feel, there didn't seem to be anything there that reminded me of him. except that it overlooks a golf course. once he took me golfing when i was little, He was fast, i kept a little score card, i filled it up so couldn't do anymore, I'd got passed hole-in-20. I wasn't the best player. but it was nice of him to take me. I've been a bad girl and not eating all my food. but it made me feel better. Haven't done my work. grr I feel so angry with myself. You and me outside, lets fight. pow pow pow

survival - I shall fight another day!

I am sleepy, it's after 1am and I really should get some shut-eye. Just thought I'd check up on some people and update. I've got back from the before-mentioned chocolate party. yeah, I went to a chocolate party. this is unusual because:
I am shy, so am not often at parties (up until recently)
I am a bit reclusive and have been unappoachable so not often invited to parties.
I binge and am embaressed about it, so a party with loads of chocolate is a danger point.
I get scared about weight gain. chocolate is calorific (is that a word? did I invent it?)
Parties have booze galore, drinking lowers my eating inhibitions.

But I have survived. ok, I ate rather a bit, but it was not a binge. it was just eating rather a lot of chocolatey food over a period of time. like everyone else. i didn't feel guilty, and just got to the point where I didn't much want to eat anymore. felt a bit yucky. didn't drink loads and got to chat to lots of people I hadn't previously known very well. which was fun. there's someone I might possibly/maybe/kinda/maybe not like so was nice to talk to him.
On that subject, I saw such a beautiful girl today. well, woman. She was gorgeous, i couldn't stop looking at her from my upper level bus wondow. black and red dyed hair, pale with dark makeup, several piercings in her ears. looked like she might have worked at the bank, blue shirt, black skirt and chunky heels. looked like she had a personality that totally didn't fit the job. my heart skipped a beat when i saw her walk to queue up for my bus. I waited for her to come up the stairs, hoping she might sit next to me. she didn't come up, so I went down to look for/at her, and she'd disappeared. she must work in the town. maybe I'll go look for her.
I also (jokingly) attempted to seduce a firned of mine.she's never kissed a girl, I wanted to find some way of tricking her into kissing me. like miming something to her so she had to come very close to hear, then quickly kissing her. or turning my face as she hugged me to say goodbye. but I think I've scared her. danced, not good music. I love nirvana at the mo. I'm loving martha's boyfriend. not like that. he's just a really nice guy.
my tummy feels funny. tomorrow I'm gonna detox, nothing chemical. that means no cocktails in the evening for girly tv. I don't even want my yogurt, all those e-numbers. maybe I'll trade for some milk. milk is pure and white. i only want pure things. gonna go work out. my thighs look really weird, think the muscle's gone saggy. must get toned!

and just when I thought everything had gone quiet something rather exciting happened. I was getting the bus on my own, fingers crossed that i handed missed the last bus. I'm my red red coat, bopping along to heart-shaped box. then along came this guy. it was dark and he looked a bit hooded and shifty so i edged away. he said hi, i too and carried on lsitening. then he jestured to me to take off my headphones so I did and we started talking. he seemed really friendly and i was in a good mood so not scared. turned out he was going up to camden (at this time of night) on the train and he'd seen me and just had to go over and talk to me. the station is quite a way away from the bus stop, oh you know I'm a romantic, i go all fluttery at the slightest wink. He was starting up a stall selling crafts and things in camden, I'm a market lover, then my bus came, he jumped on the bus to get my number and I thought why not? usually I would have freaked out, then thought what it? the driver waited for us to finish and we swapped names. he text me later on, so luckily I got the number right. (and he didn't lose it like some people). I told him straight out I don't wanna date. I haven't got the time for a commitment, i'm so busy working, revising, examing, rebuilding my relationships and social life and going to the doctors that a bf would be wway too much to handle. who needs the aggravation? but hanging out, that i can do. i'll text him back tomorrow. even if nothing comes of it it made me feel nice. ever since I lost my period I've had a total love-life drought (for lack of any better phrase), actually the last time i had kissed a guy was shortly before I lost them. perhaps I stopped secreting pheromones. or skeletal really isn't sexy. but now, having piled on the pounds in the last few months, suddenly I'm getting a whole lot more attention.
geri halliwell was right. the woman has been inspiring me since I was 7. she's made me proud to be ginger. maybe I'll read her bio (anyone read it, is it good?).
so If I'd backed out of the party none of this would have ever happened. good omen. I'm going to sleep now.

first frapuccino of the summer

I just found this blog , isn't it cute. how adorable.
Today was such a sunny day, I even wore a skirt and sun glasses. Went to the dietician, she's a bit scary as she's tough but she's alright. has started being a lot nicer to me. She says I can do more exercise now (yippee, I'm so lazy! Must get fit) which is nice. I've very close to my proper weight. apparently my tummy is very flat. it just doesn't look that way to me. we talked a bit about the party i'm going to tomorrow. I think she thought it was funny. in other news today anorexic goes to chocolate party.
actually I've been to chocolate parties before, just this one has other people there. I will probably eat to much. but I don't feel all that bothered about it. Must try and get the mix right, eat but still interact with others. its easy to get absorbed in the food and forget there's a party.
She didn't tell me my weight, I don't want to know the numbers. i fixated on numbers. Which is strange for someone who doesn't much like maths. calories, minutes of exercise, pounds and kilos, counting the days, the pieces. I am more than just a number.
But apparently I look much better. am not so sure. need constant reassurance. My mum said they'll take a photo of me for a case history and show it to the children who will say 'she's fat'. I'm sure she ment this in a nice way, it just came out a bit wrong. My mum says people will like me better now because I am happy and pretty, which beats unhappy and pretty. but mums always say you're pretty. We drove with the top of the car down, the wind blowing in our hair.
I'm getting my nhs worth, this treatment is apparently 'luxury'. I feel sorry for people in america where you have to pay and be on waiting lsits. lots of people out there need help.
I've been growing some sunflowers. they're red and the shoots are springing up fast. also potted some pumpkins today. very satisfying, I can see how people can get excitied about gardening. oh lord did I just say that? how pathetic. is anyone else growing anything? can you beat mine? no, didn't think so.
My mentor to be cancelled our tea. rescheduled for next week. she doesn't know she's going to be my mentor. yet. I want to ask psychology'related questions and ask her opinions on things. maybe i can get some more, people studying already at uni. any contacts would be good.
Another ripple on the boy pool. I really must think of a name for them makes it easier. ok one in now Lancelot. This is the same guy would didn't txt me and made me feel doubtful. now turns out he lost my number, and now isn't sure whether to text/call me because it's been so long. this is so silly. it's already getting complicated and we're not even going out yet. so he's not sure if I like him. and I'm not sure if I like him. how am i sposed to find out? what a stupid little paragraph this is turning into. this is turning into a teeny-gossip-lip-gloss diary. ooh I think I might like someone else too. but maybe not. i should meet people when sober. might form proper opinion.
mushroom party is go! meet me in the park, costumes optional.
I'm going to do a proper intorduction to myself soon. So everyone knows me. Now I think I'll go watch desperate housewives. yeah, it's trash but we love it! The lib dems gave me a leaflet today. Vincent Cable is such a decent guy, I can't explain why I like him. guess he just has a lot of charisma. But really, what a nice guy. he even popped round door to door to visit.
Neighbours are taking down the fence. goodbye privacy. we can't do much because we don't own it. unfair? they have a little football playing boy, very energetic! Thats enough of mundane details of my life.
I'm in a vampirish mood.I've always been a little that way inclined. perhaps this is not the kind of thing i should be admitting to. well, i've got to go now so i can't go into much detail. Maybe another time? we'll catch up, coffee ok for you?





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I'm such a little cuddlewhore

cut myself on angel hair and baby's breath

polly wants a cracker....I must be getting old and wise. I have discovered that I too have a drinking limit, and it is not cool to get incredibly drunk immediately. no, really. Yesterday I think I crossed that limit. well, live and learn.I had a friend over to get dressed with, which takes the dtress out of it. I can't freak out about what I'm waering and get all self-consicious with someoneelse there. She curled here hair, we straightened mine and printed off a map. The party was in a place that i have some bad memories from. Maybe its best not to say where. here's the history1. first time I ever went there was when someone jumped infront of our train so we had to evacuate. It took hours to get home on a crowded and stuffy bus. My friend's psychotic mother didn't know where she was and called round all the parents getting me, her and several other friends into a lot of trouble. They in turn got angry with me. It was a shitty end to an otherwise fun day out in London.2. The second time I ever went there was to get to someone's house. We didn't have the address and when we called our friends they were too stoned to give it to us. We wandered for ages, because the station is outside the town so it was a long and tiring walk. By the time we found them they wanted to leave. typical.3. At about 3 in the morning coming back from clubbing in London my friend suddenly believed she 'had' to get off the bus. We all had to go with her. She stared at the river and slurred poetically. she wasn't ill, she was drunk. we had to wait ages for the next night bus (it comes once an hour) and I felt rather that i had been too shallow to share her experience. I got told off for being back so late.4. Mark Bolan dies there. He was so young and curly. Anyway, after one wrong turn, it took us half an hour to walk to the house. we made a game of it, our quest of the umbrella. a human and a dwarf struggle across trecherous lands to get to the party. We sand the nobby all song on the way. made up some 'new' verses.His knife was very blunt, very blunt.his knife was very blunt, very blunt.His knife was very blunt, as he was a silly......billyhis knife was very blunt very blunt.He was following a map, a map (a map?)he was following a map, a map (what's a map?)he was following a map and he stopped to take a .....roadhe was following a map, a map.other worse ones rhymed rugger and bugger.We were there quite early so there was much to drink. i made a cocktail, it started off as vodka and lemonade. then I drank some. then added some cranberry juice. then drank some. then added a bottle of reef. then drank some. then topped up with tequila. It was very strong and frequewnt tiopping up meant I mostly had a full glass all evening. also drank about a glass of wine and a tequila shot. Suddenly, about an hour in, the drunkeness hit me. lordy, I was wasted. much more drunk then all the others. i got the impression they were eyeing me with both wonder and contempt.I chatted away happy as a sand boy with some friends of friends. met my friend's mysterious boyfriend (he's lovely by the way), unfortunately I can't tell how my friendliness whilst drunk appeared. what seemed perfectly civilised to me may have been obscenely obvious flirting to others.weirdly enough:I smoked, and I do not smoke. the bad part was I liked it to. must not smoke againI ate meat, and I'm a vegetarian!I tried to pick on the guy who used to pick on me at juniour school. the bastard. why does everyone like him, he's horrible!My well-meaning best friend decided to find out lots of information about before mentioned guy I met at the previosu party (clever, tummy stroking). She'd had rather a lot to drink too, sop what she probably thought was civilised curoisity actually came out as some kind of desperate obbsessiveness. I am so embaressed!I also told vaiour people in my year that i should talk to them more often. someone should just shut me up. But I did get some compliments on my outfit and a lift home. remembering my outfit at an underground-themed party several people repeatedly refered to me as picadilly circus. I danced and people sat on me. So it was fun, even if I did eat rather a lot and embaressed myself. Today i've been at work. not very exciting. i've overeaten and my tummy is a bit sore. very few customers, quiet day. Started reading the jane austen book club when bored, seemed cute. read the magic page in a mushroom picker's handbook. hehe.

she wants to move...

I had to get un unaturally early today. 8.30. not nice. I do some volunteering with barnados on saturday mornings, the Stars On Saturdays (has the rather unfortunate abbreviation of SOS). It's an activity club for young people in the area who have physical or mental disabilities. We're quite near in age so we hang out and do stuff together like table football, pool, cooking, art'n'craft. Can be tirering but fun too. Today was a little difficult, this quite sweet boy with autism got really grabby. It was ok at first, but he just kept touching me and taking me off with him. His speech is a little difficult to understand but I swear at one point he was saying something about massages. well, it was a bit creepy.we watched a video they'd made for promotion, us at halloween. looked very cute and professional. Lots of the kids had got the same cold so we were a little depleted in numbers.Now I'm home I should be revising. My mum's gone to see my grandfather. he's speaking now n they've got him a speech therapist. it's strange, because on my work exp 9speech therapy) i programmed a communication aid (like a talking computer) for an old woman who'd had a stroke. It seemed so far off, unconnected to me. I got it to say things about going bowling and getting a haircut. Last night we had another brideshead evening. As i've probably siad before, this involves a special dinner, wine and watching the video whilst discussing the various merits of jeremey irons. meal was scrummy, rose was bubbly and jermemy and julia are gorgeous as ever. Oh, to live in those times. The party-for-which I'm going as the lady of shallot is being all planned out. kitten is trying to find me a lancelot. oh lordy.Tonight I'm going to a party. yet another party! wow, go sociability. Get dressed up, get trashed and dance. I think. Sounds fun. yeah fun, not scary! Look at me, power girl. I should have a medal or something. I've not technically been invited, but am going with friends. ah, who cares. Am at the moment thinking I will go to the chocolate party afterall. My dad got me some chocolate liqueur to take. I'm gonna be popular. mmm.I'm having a girly get ready session before hand, cute. I really should be working. but just, don't, feel , like, it. got a letter from ucas today confirming my choices. it's really happening. The people we were going to do a house swap with cancelled. bastards. I really ought to go work. maybe in a little bit....toodles

caloo caley

ouch, i have a sore throat. My mum is back and terribly yet lagged. My brother and I have just spent the last hour trying to force her out of bed. I feel bad, a bed is a safe and comfy place to be.My teeth are fine, the only damage appears to be from me brushing them too hard! oh, how stupid! I thought I was doing them a favour. I drank champayne out of a teacup yesterday. Tastes better that way. Have been asked to take part in some psychological research. i will, it isn't a commitment and I spose I owe it. its about my birth month and diagnosises. apparently spring is a bad time for it. I reccon premature births have some role, maybe thats a research topic for me in time. all i have to do is tell them mine and my brother's birth dates. i was 2 months early, him 3. we shouldn't have survived, especially not him. we should have unformed organs, holes in our hearts. we should be brain damaged and weak. but we turned out 'fine'. think we're off to the cinema. can't be fucked with revision. wanna see the machinist. anyone seen it? looks spooky, momento-esque. or maria full of grace. my ebay shoes arrived in the post. they're lemon yellow and very high. when shall I ever wear them?later....good lord, my mum has turned into the psycho bitch from hell. I want to run out of the house and eat an entire chocolate birthday cake and drink a whole bottle of wine. but I have wet hair and I'd catch a chill. She makes me feel to ashamed, I know its probably a bad mood caused by the jet lag, but it really makes me feel horrible. I started crying, which probably just annoyed her. i've been crying a lot less recently. ugh, must take her out to calm her down, hopefully a film or something. save me now.

like a plate tectonic

my mum's getting home in half an hour! then we're going to the dentist. my dentist is lovely, a dedicated nhs one who can keep my secrets and not patronise me. she just works so hard, i think she's fabulous.gawd, I hope my teeth are ok. Guess what, yesterday i had sauages and icecream for dinner. and enjoyed it. oh, life is good.My dad's back to work, I got up with my brother and we watched music tv and ate breakfast, I am getting along well. we were chatting bout reading. he says I can't get completely wasted at reading because I have to stop him from doing it.to hell I can't.I dreamt I attacked my brother, I lunged to bite him and got a big mouthful of pillow. I dremat i went to uni again. Durham i think. went with OC's summer, looking lovely. We all made a circle in a room and smoked weed with mushrooms. we'rre doing some serious chemistry she laughed. bring on uni. am meeting up with some old junior school friends, I initiated! go me, sociability. this is all so new. what a lovely day, the sun is warming my back. maybe check in later, am going on a pub crawl!

rock the vote 05-05-05

yippee, all the campaigning, the martyrs, the fights, the chaining to the railings all pays off next month because I get to vote. I am probably not the kind of person the government gets really excited about voting, way to emotional, liable to vote on a whim for the best looking party. no, its not true. here is my specification:pay less for education-I don't want lots of debtpay the nhs more- because they're so good to me, and friendly. give them what they deservepay me more - and all my young unqualified kinno war - waste of money and effortup the environment - its our funeral if the sky clouds over and the polar caps meltnot so bothered about taxes, I figure they go to a good cause and I don't really pay much so doesn't affect melook after all the elderly, make transport better! more night buses!!! faster trains, it takes way too longI don't mind paying more taxes if we can get those thingsI really should do some work. I'm so much less concerned this year. my brother asked me how I managed with gcses. hmm...got very upset, incredibly stressed to almost the point of breakdown and forced myself to study constantly? and it worked. at a price.I'll work in 15 minutes, when I'm finished here.I made a mental list of the 10 people I love the most yesterdat. My cat didn't make the list unfortunately. He was being really friendly and cosy, which got me worried. last time he started acting nice he turned out to be ill. I'm pleased with my list, they're the people I would drag with all my might out of a burning building. sorry kipper, I'll get you if I can get the 10 out first. I am still enjoying my new found understanding. now I only have friends that make me feel good about myself. no seriously. they laugh at my stupid little stories, compliment my outfits, dance with me and hug 'just because'. little old man with pipe says I've never had it so good. Kitten even wrote me a poem. I'm so lucky. Ana says it can't last. I say fuck you. Might be going out for a drink tonight. always good. still reading the secret history. will finish it eventually....

I am the girl anarchonism

its just the way the medication works.....uh oh spaghetti o's. it looks like the diary is going public. out in the open. naked. for all to see. am thinking this is perhaps a bad idea, isn't the point of this diary that i get out the horrible dirty little things that i don't want to plague everyone with? oh dear, i may have to go back and edit some of the entries. at least this isn't like me first diary...ah back in those poisonous 15 yearold days.oh no. i wanted to reminise and re-read my old diaries but they've been deleted. fuck that. but they're all about me falling in love and walking down park road alone to avoid the scary girls on my bus. the petals falling from the magnolias at the end of my old road, the pretty blue panadol in the medicine box, the shiny silverwear, my black ballgown, three way calls and first kisses. well, it's dead now.my childhood best friend popped along for the day yesterday, bringing her sister in tow. It was a tad wet but we braved the elements to visit the legendary camden.I took my brother, he was actually being quite cool. he made eveyone laugh. helped him pick some clothes and he tried on some leopard print trousers. we were in hysterics! got a prom dress. tried on loads before but they didn't fit on the chest. my body is all out of proportion, i wish i could stick some of my tummy on my shoulders and chest so the dress fitted better. the dress is all black and vampish, and ballgown type skirt with corsetty bits on the waist, so I can make it really fitted.it was really lovely seeing hannah, especially as last time I saw her I was acting like such a freak. (gawd, i can't believe I was so weird..I must have really confused everyone). We got tired and set in the food court, me sipping on my warm korfee. that bitchy guy still works in darkside, the one who said I needed the boots adjusted for my thick legs and hannah's claw rings were old-fashioned. he eviled me and my brother as we tried on capes. I can't believe I thought he was so beautiful before. maybe he's just pissed off becuase we're going to make something of our lives whereas he serves tourists all day in a pokey london shop. I got my lady of shallot outfit on ebay, now all I need is a boat and my lancelot. I think I may be being matchmade, oh the embaressment. I do not date! hannah made me do my ucas, so off the bristol i shall me going. it's a relief to have it all decided. had a brideshead evening last night, we watched the section where charles and julia begin their affair, how romantic. and we had diner. I had pasta bake. yeah, actaully! and today i had icecream. except I'd had too much to eat before hand and it didn't agree with me and made me throw up. it wasn't deliberate. taking literary. being glamourous. they left today. I miss them, I had to actually do some work. maybe it's my new positive outlook but I'm so much less worried about exams. perhaps my head has swollen up from being told that i am 'delightful to teach' and my work is 'a joy to mark'. bollocks. I just need to get really really worried and stressed then I'll do all my work. I must succeed. failure is just not an option.my tummy feels sore. wanna go read the secret history. have befriended a mice psychologist who lives next door to my grandmother, we're gonna talk about psychology, maybe work experience contacts. I've found some other people to camp with at reading. it's gonna rock my little socks off. now I'm just babbeling. oh, i found my old diary afterall. its so fucking depressing. you wanna see it? oh go on then, makes me feel sad, because I remember. but there were really good times. libs was brilliant. the party was not.*********************</p>i've been busy. well, busy as i get. it's the xmas holidays so9 theres alot of space in which i find time to do anything other than revise. main things i've been up to are:moving house, meeting the libertines and dressing up as gwen.there's not too much to say about moving house, so..now i have a new house. it's a complete tip due to copious amounts of rubbish and bozes everywhere. it will take some getting used to. i went to the libertines xmas xtraveganze of wednesday at the rhythm factory. It was a gig in quite a small cosy venue (a bar/nightclub i think) with several small bands with the libertines the most famous-everyone had come to see them. i saw KAIN, the cherubs, lefthand and kill city. I met Gary and Pete of the libertines and they were loverly-so friendly and down toi earth. pete gave my friend cookie his number (she'd given him some lyrics she'd written for advice)-how showbiz is that! we were so close to the stage (if you'd call it that-more like a little raised area) that during a crowd surge me and cookie ended up sitting on the stage! we got some attractive bruises. that was such a fun night. and we got in the club despite being under 18-impressive. no need for the very fake looking fake id my friend made me then (luckily). i came back, my clothes and hair drowned in cigarette stench. but it was good fun.my friend's 16th birthday, i was surprisingly invited. a dress up party-yay i think (how i adore costumes). and i went all out on my costume. I was gwen stefani-my idol. Long blonde wig, dominatrix cap, red lipstick, red and gold nails, black bikini top, red string vest, black cords cut off into shorts, fishnets, stripey sock cut into a glove, twisted shag bands, thick liquid liner. practically no one dressed up atall.they just wore normal clothes, the embaresment. but everyone said my costume was great. but everyone stood outside and smoked and moaned about how much they wanted to get pissed. me agreeing, i just can't handle social situations like this without my alkiehol. i feel too self conscious, shy and self-loathing so i can't really enjoy that. mmm alcohol is my favourite friend I love it more than life itself. i drank abit of other people's drinks but it wasn't enough, tho i did feel abit better.but i was already feeling too down to feel better and moped about whilst my friends danced around and pulled guys and occasioanlly tried to cheer me up or get me to talk to them. i think i have a communication problem haha i just can't talk about my problems to anyone. i swear its not natural to cry as much as i do. especially when nothing's wrong. freek. a guy who gets my bus was there and he pulled one of my best friends so i got introduced to him, wow, i know someone who gets my bus. but will he recognise me without my wig? silly night, i cried in the car home. but nothings wrong or is there. well i had a bitchin costume atleast.my friends say. that. i have to talk to someone. or they will. talk to the school. or my mum. and the school will talk to my mum. and blah blah blah. that will ruin my life. full stop. what am i sposed to do?? its all very well to say talk to someone but i just can't i have no one to talk to and i trust no one. oh, i'm a mess and my life is about to be destroyed. my bad dreams have restarted. i dremt i hacked up my brothers new clothes with a giant fork, he was enraged. and i was crying, i'm sorry, forgive me, i'll give you anything, take my money etc. i thought i was going mad, a dove started talking to me. and someone was singing my song. insanity seems to be a recurring theme in my dreams.but i'm ok, really. Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate? brought to you by Quizillayes! i love the internet, it knows me so well .now, this is rare..a guy i'm attracted to? mmm but he's so fine mmm and he does look like a girl too. i saw lotr again today, thats a very long film, better the first time.**********************my mum called today, she seemed happy, happy that I was happy. I told her about the prom dress and the pasta, she was impressed. I think I'm gaining a fuller understanding of everything. about me and how the world works. maybe I'm coming of age, just about ready to become an adult. I feel less guilty about stuff. like it's not so bad for me to have presents, afterall it is my birthday. my mum says that other people enjoy giving them to me so I shouldn't deny them it. but there's always that sneaking guilt that i really don't deserve them. well, this year I think I can have some. but no birthday cake hehe. actually my birthday's on passover so that decision's been taken out of my hands. although i've been told I have to eat everything same as normal. :( oh lordy, I've been invited to a chocoalte party! there's a chocolate eating competition. I could beat anyone hands down, but would they really want to see it?a flibbertigibbit, a will-o-the-wisp, a clown (honk, honk)

glorious - part 2

the evening went really well! The party was in a rented room above a pub, i was worried I wouldn't know anyone. I decided to make an effort, feeling kinda sexy in my little pinstripe skirt and furry legwarmers strutting down the street. There's no use cowering in the shadows when you have furry legs. I met my friend before we arrived, she'd written me a poem! A txt I sent her inspired it, all about the langour of youth, beauty and decadence. it was lovely. we walked over to the pub when another friend arrived. I hadn't seen them in so long. They were really sweet, it was great to catch up. When you haven't seen someone in a long time there are loads of things to ask so its not so awkward. I was the only one of the 3 of us with (fake)ID so I tottered along with the drinks. they wouldn't give us triples, bah humbug. I drank double vodka tonics instead, clear and pure. none of that sugary pop shit. talking of pop shit the music was dire. justin timberlake. bon jovi.I chatted to loads of people, I felt really sociable. Some more people I knew turned up. I also had a big talk with my (best) friend. I said we'd be totally honest now, no secrets. she said she thought I was really beautiful and she couldn't understand how I could see different. I love her. Afterwards we crammed in will's car and went back to marco's to smoke some draw. I giggled and smoked a pipe. it has to be done. The guys had girl-slagging conversations, then remembering I was there they apologised. I'm not shocked. They walked me to the bus stop. I didn't get home til 2.30. I got the night bus. Feel like I'm re-becoming a proper teenager. about time. the restraints are coming off. these bonds are shackle free.Today I got up pretty exhausted. white liner brightens up my bleary eyes. Another day in the book shop. I didn't eat much, feeling a bit woozy in my tummy. But didn't binge, which makes a nice change. I just got home, changed into some summery clothes and lay on my bed playing guitar.this feels so warm.

Glorious

oh what a beautiful day. the sun shining down on everything, lush and green and full of life. I feel like I'm coming out of hibernation, what a brilliant day just to be alive.maybe I'm reaching my ephiphany. the one where I realise that I can be happy no matter how I look, I am more than just a number on the scales. we all hope to be something more.and when I feel like this I can do anything. prozac in the spring. but it's something more. So I know I must eat because binging ruins my days. so I did. And to smile at everyone, to be cheerful, I love talking to them because I want to share this. joyful. at peace.I bourght some items for my Lady of Shallot costume on ebay, it's gonna look beautiful. And I'm going out tonight, unafraid. Might even wear a skirt. today I feel so free.

boy...one day you'll be a man

I sure am a circus of emotions. like the rhyme...and when they were up they were up and when they were down they were down. now I'm feeling fine and dandy.I went to the doctors and got very frustrated and felt rather bad. then my dad took me to see my grandmother. its her birthday and she's all on her own with no one to cut her cakes with. I didn't want to be looking sad on her special day so i tried to look cheery. you pretend enough and it becomes real. i felt good and it was nice to see her.there's no such thing as misery chic. not really. red teary eyes are not sexy.and then i could concentrate on my work and be sunny. my mum called and I was cheerful, not moping to her. now I'll go lie down and read, I feel at peace.

start over

pahanother day of revision. woop-de-doo. Am very disappointed with yesterday, I b/p 4 times even though I'm sposed to have quite. I resisted a fith time, just couldn't be bothered to go through with it all again. watched 'you are what you eat' and felt lonely. today must be better. I must actually do some work and not binge. I even have to go to my stupid doctor. he doesn't take me seriously. don't wanna go.now I really sound like a brat.read the secret history, its really good

can't admit I need you

dear mumyou only left 6 and a half hours ago but I already miss you. I have to prove I can manage without you but so far it isn't working. I got through breakfast ok and made an early start on revision. that was good. photosynthesis, quite boring stuff. then dad went out food shopping. he said he'd be less than an hour. he was going to sainsburies. i didn't think why he wasn't going to a nearby supermarket but I said ok and he left. as his car pulled away i remembered the packet of raisins I'd seen 'hidden' on the floor in his room. I went to see if they were there. phew, they weren't. Then i turned around. They were wrapped in a plastic bag on the chair. I took them out. be strong, don't eat. I opened the packet. I couldn't resist. soon I was in the kitchen, finishing off what little food there was. picking the raisins out of museli, spooning yogurt and honey, dry bread, apples. a trip to the toilet, feeling ashamed. then back again. why am i still doing this, i could stop now? but I carried on. another toilet trip. there goes my 2 days in a row without a binge. didn't even manage one day without throwing up. 2 hours later he returned. its a case of when the cat's away the mice will play. stacks of bags filled to the brim. chocolate eggs. custard. cheese. tarts. all the tempting food, big loads of it. all the things you wouldn't want around, high colesterol, doesn't he care? but when you're gone he buys what he wants. he says don't look, I know you don't like lots of food.but I can't help it. so fucking much. he's going out later and I'll probably eat a whole load more. I had to tell him I'd already eaten, it was so embaressing and I felt so ashamed. now I'm crying upstairs as he packs the food into the cupcoards. justing waiting for tomorrow when everyone asks 'where did the ..... go?' 'i thought we bourght ......' 'there were 5 ...... yesterday' 'i want a ......, where are they' 'who ate the ......'I'm so ashamed. can't concentrate on work. need to prove I can manage without you. 6 and a half hours. and I can't. you won't be back for a week. how will I cope. soon it will be time for dad's afternoon nap and i shall begin eating again.I'm so ashamed.

fucking raisins

I was left in the house for less than an hour alone, and I just couldn't reisit binging, could I. thought I must keep busy i must keep busy, but raisins are a real weakness of mine. pah. then it lead to other things. feel so stupid, this is eating out (haha no pun intended) of my revision time. so cross with myself.

swollen summer

the 'holidays' finally came along. I'm not sure if they count as a proper holiday seeing as I'm expected to revise through most of it. Have done some, its just so dull! Luckily I only really have 3 subjects to revise and it's been so little time since the mocks that I know it all quite well.am looking on ebay for things to wear as part of my lady of shallot outfit. the party is a literary/historical character theme. being a red-head I've decided (provisionally) to go as a pre-raphellite. long flowing white skirt, bell sleeve white top. very pretty but perhaps a little too modest to be sexy? I went to that party i mentioned before. decided against the 'no drinking rule' and risked binging to have a good, tipsy time. I did start to stuff myself, but it a moment of dutch coroage I talked to a couple of my friends about my eating problems. after that i didn't feel like eating any more. they did all know afterall, and said they were sorry for talking to my parents. I felt all emotional, but luckily didn't cry. then everyone was really sweet and huggy and I love you no I love you I'm sorry no i'm sorry. Martha said i haven't gotten fat and I can eat what I want because it's my personality that counts not my weight. I wish it all sunk in.well, then i met this nice guy. I started talking to him, i'm not sure how it started. I'd had quite a bit to drink and was surprised that he seemed to want to go on talking to me. attention attention. well, we carried on chatting, turned out we're going to the same uni (probably). we carried on talking, moving in closer, I'm feeling confident from the drink (spent a lot of the evening carrying fround a bottle of champers) and thinking ooh go on be brave you could kiss him. we danced (yes, i danced and only felt a little bit stupid) and kissed and chatted some more, it was really sweet. a=I sat on his lap and he kept kinda stroking my tummy. I wanted to ask him why, can't he see how it sticks out, how horrible it is. but I didn't. tummy was happy to have someone show it some affection. then he asked me for my number. heres where the dilema is. I haven't heard from him and it's been over a week. did i get my number wrong in my drunken stupour or did he wake up and have a flash of cosciousness.or reminded by a less drunk person. ahh.this sounds so niave and inexperienced. I'm quite shy and wall-flower-esque, i'm not used to this.well, he might be at this costume party so i want to be dressed nicely. look at me, taking an interest in my appearance. i guess this is healthy.I went to an openday where we got to stay overnight. we all went to the college bar, drank snakebites (mm) and did kareoke, lots of drunken fun. its so libearting to meet new people, I feel like I become someone new aswell. the uni was nice but I think I'd prefer a city.so now I'm 'revising'. My grandfather's been taken into hospital for kidney problems. then he had a stroke and now he can't speak. it's scary, i know old people can't live forever but I wish they would. It isn't fair, how will me grandmother manage alone? why do things like this happen to the good people? I feel guilty for taking up so much space.

under the sun

oops I didn't get round to finishing my entry yesterday. not a good start.It's really hot. actually I can't tell if it's all that hot, may just for me. apparently I'm metabolising at a very high rate, producing lots of heat. it's strangely sunny out. I get scared I'll get sunburnt so I stay in. It was difficult this mornining. I was binging which made me hot and I was wearing my covering-up outfit (long black baggy jumper-dress and baggy jeans) and didn't want to take off the jumper. I really have eaten a lot today, feel really disappointed in myself. Can't be bothered to throw up. I've done the same so many times in past and I've still ended up here. Maybe my sore tummy will put me off doing it again. I'm the only one in the house (excluding the cat) so i can really do whatever I want. It's a shame that that usually turns out to be gorging on my own. what a pathetic way to spend time. checked email. neither of m 'pen-friends' have replied. boo. might go play guitar, I've just started learning to play plug in baby, it would be great if I could play it well. This week I went on a university visit. it seemed really nice, in a city that was pretty and old. not too industrial but still with lots to do and see. It's only 3 hours from home and quite prestigious. my mum likes it and I like that she likes it. she now denies this and says its my choice. that just makes things harder. oh, where am I to go?**********edit references to presents!tomorrow I'm going to my first proper 'house party' in I don't know how long. I must try not to get too drunk. But I must also try to be confident and meet new people. I must not binge and embaress myself infront of others. But equally if I skip meals beforehand it will make it even more likely. I must not cry and try to stay for the whole thing. I must try not to throw up, but when you drink it's hard. oh, its so much effort and confusion. aren't parties supposed to be fun?am reading 'the secret history', seems good if a bit sinister

making the change

I'm on the verge, on the verge of making the change. On one side it seems that I can work at losing weight, continue to worry about it in my old way. or i could start to live, go out more, be more. I want to be so much more. So I think this is where I make the change, choose life so to say. It will be so hard to give upand accept my body but maybe i can go back to 'normal' and be like other people. I had a family session today, they asked my dad about his weight, I didn;t want to say anything insulting. We must look a strnage pair. I ws in a bit of a bad state because I'd ended up binging at home, then on the way to and at school. that sounds so stupid, so stupid to be so out of control. I even threw up at school (not deliberately), I've never properly done that before. Then i threw up again at the hospital. I didn't mean to but it helped me to calm down. oh, my poor little teeth.My mood's been greatly lifted by **********************************edit I don't know if drinking will reduce the effects, hope not. At the weekend I'm going to my first proper party in ages. There may be lots of people there. hello nervous shyness. there will be party food there. hello binge trigger. shy->drink->drunk->reduced inhibitions->binge->puke->here we go again.I need to try really hard. i'd really like to meet some new people, I've been getting quite isolated. the cowardly thing would be not to go. won't let that happen.I shall stand proud in my black lace and lucky pants. maybe proud is an overstatement. Will try to wear something that covers my tummy. Maybe I could try not to drink too much (but it makes me brave...). Might be going market shopping with my family during the day. am not gre