can't admit I need you

dear mumyou only left 6 and a half hours ago but I already miss you. I have to prove I can manage without you but so far it isn't working. I got through breakfast ok and made an early start on revision. that was good. photosynthesis, quite boring stuff. then dad went out food shopping. he said he'd be less than an hour. he was going to sainsburies. i didn't think why he wasn't going to a nearby supermarket but I said ok and he left. as his car pulled away i remembered the packet of raisins I'd seen 'hidden' on the floor in his room. I went to see if they were there. phew, they weren't. Then i turned around. They were wrapped in a plastic bag on the chair. I took them out. be strong, don't eat. I opened the packet. I couldn't resist. soon I was in the kitchen, finishing off what little food there was. picking the raisins out of museli, spooning yogurt and honey, dry bread, apples. a trip to the toilet, feeling ashamed. then back again. why am i still doing this, i could stop now? but I carried on. another toilet trip. there goes my 2 days in a row without a binge. didn't even manage one day without throwing up. 2 hours later he returned. its a case of when the cat's away the mice will play. stacks of bags filled to the brim. chocolate eggs. custard. cheese. tarts. all the tempting food, big loads of it. all the things you wouldn't want around, high colesterol, doesn't he care? but when you're gone he buys what he wants. he says don't look, I know you don't like lots of food.but I can't help it. so fucking much. he's going out later and I'll probably eat a whole load more. I had to tell him I'd already eaten, it was so embaressing and I felt so ashamed. now I'm crying upstairs as he packs the food into the cupcoards. justing waiting for tomorrow when everyone asks 'where did the ..... go?' 'i thought we bourght ......' 'there were 5 ...... yesterday' 'i want a ......, where are they' 'who ate the ......'I'm so ashamed. can't concentrate on work. need to prove I can manage without you. 6 and a half hours. and I can't. you won't be back for a week. how will I cope. soon it will be time for dad's afternoon nap and i shall begin eating again.I'm so ashamed.