I am the girl anarchonism

its just the way the medication works.....uh oh spaghetti o's. it looks like the diary is going public. out in the open. naked. for all to see. am thinking this is perhaps a bad idea, isn't the point of this diary that i get out the horrible dirty little things that i don't want to plague everyone with? oh dear, i may have to go back and edit some of the entries. at least this isn't like me first diary...ah back in those poisonous 15 yearold days.oh no. i wanted to reminise and re-read my old diaries but they've been deleted. fuck that. but they're all about me falling in love and walking down park road alone to avoid the scary girls on my bus. the petals falling from the magnolias at the end of my old road, the pretty blue panadol in the medicine box, the shiny silverwear, my black ballgown, three way calls and first kisses. well, it's dead now.my childhood best friend popped along for the day yesterday, bringing her sister in tow. It was a tad wet but we braved the elements to visit the legendary camden.I took my brother, he was actually being quite cool. he made eveyone laugh. helped him pick some clothes and he tried on some leopard print trousers. we were in hysterics! got a prom dress. tried on loads before but they didn't fit on the chest. my body is all out of proportion, i wish i could stick some of my tummy on my shoulders and chest so the dress fitted better. the dress is all black and vampish, and ballgown type skirt with corsetty bits on the waist, so I can make it really fitted.it was really lovely seeing hannah, especially as last time I saw her I was acting like such a freak. (gawd, i can't believe I was so weird..I must have really confused everyone). We got tired and set in the food court, me sipping on my warm korfee. that bitchy guy still works in darkside, the one who said I needed the boots adjusted for my thick legs and hannah's claw rings were old-fashioned. he eviled me and my brother as we tried on capes. I can't believe I thought he was so beautiful before. maybe he's just pissed off becuase we're going to make something of our lives whereas he serves tourists all day in a pokey london shop. I got my lady of shallot outfit on ebay, now all I need is a boat and my lancelot. I think I may be being matchmade, oh the embaressment. I do not date! hannah made me do my ucas, so off the bristol i shall me going. it's a relief to have it all decided. had a brideshead evening last night, we watched the section where charles and julia begin their affair, how romantic. and we had diner. I had pasta bake. yeah, actaully! and today i had icecream. except I'd had too much to eat before hand and it didn't agree with me and made me throw up. it wasn't deliberate. taking literary. being glamourous. they left today. I miss them, I had to actually do some work. maybe it's my new positive outlook but I'm so much less worried about exams. perhaps my head has swollen up from being told that i am 'delightful to teach' and my work is 'a joy to mark'. bollocks. I just need to get really really worried and stressed then I'll do all my work. I must succeed. failure is just not an option.my tummy feels sore. wanna go read the secret history. have befriended a mice psychologist who lives next door to my grandmother, we're gonna talk about psychology, maybe work experience contacts. I've found some other people to camp with at reading. it's gonna rock my little socks off. now I'm just babbeling. oh, i found my old diary afterall. its so fucking depressing. you wanna see it? oh go on then, makes me feel sad, because I remember. but there were really good times. libs was brilliant. the party was not.*********************</p>i've been busy. well, busy as i get. it's the xmas holidays so9 theres alot of space in which i find time to do anything other than revise. main things i've been up to are:moving house, meeting the libertines and dressing up as gwen.there's not too much to say about moving house, so..now i have a new house. it's a complete tip due to copious amounts of rubbish and bozes everywhere. it will take some getting used to. i went to the libertines xmas xtraveganze of wednesday at the rhythm factory. It was a gig in quite a small cosy venue (a bar/nightclub i think) with several small bands with the libertines the most famous-everyone had come to see them. i saw KAIN, the cherubs, lefthand and kill city. I met Gary and Pete of the libertines and they were loverly-so friendly and down toi earth. pete gave my friend cookie his number (she'd given him some lyrics she'd written for advice)-how showbiz is that! we were so close to the stage (if you'd call it that-more like a little raised area) that during a crowd surge me and cookie ended up sitting on the stage! we got some attractive bruises. that was such a fun night. and we got in the club despite being under 18-impressive. no need for the very fake looking fake id my friend made me then (luckily). i came back, my clothes and hair drowned in cigarette stench. but it was good fun.my friend's 16th birthday, i was surprisingly invited. a dress up party-yay i think (how i adore costumes). and i went all out on my costume. I was gwen stefani-my idol. Long blonde wig, dominatrix cap, red lipstick, red and gold nails, black bikini top, red string vest, black cords cut off into shorts, fishnets, stripey sock cut into a glove, twisted shag bands, thick liquid liner. practically no one dressed up atall.they just wore normal clothes, the embaresment. but everyone said my costume was great. but everyone stood outside and smoked and moaned about how much they wanted to get pissed. me agreeing, i just can't handle social situations like this without my alkiehol. i feel too self conscious, shy and self-loathing so i can't really enjoy that. mmm alcohol is my favourite friend I love it more than life itself. i drank abit of other people's drinks but it wasn't enough, tho i did feel abit better.but i was already feeling too down to feel better and moped about whilst my friends danced around and pulled guys and occasioanlly tried to cheer me up or get me to talk to them. i think i have a communication problem haha i just can't talk about my problems to anyone. i swear its not natural to cry as much as i do. especially when nothing's wrong. freek. a guy who gets my bus was there and he pulled one of my best friends so i got introduced to him, wow, i know someone who gets my bus. but will he recognise me without my wig? silly night, i cried in the car home. but nothings wrong or is there. well i had a bitchin costume atleast.my friends say. that. i have to talk to someone. or they will. talk to the school. or my mum. and the school will talk to my mum. and blah blah blah. that will ruin my life. full stop. what am i sposed to do?? its all very well to say talk to someone but i just can't i have no one to talk to and i trust no one. oh, i'm a mess and my life is about to be destroyed. my bad dreams have restarted. i dremt i hacked up my brothers new clothes with a giant fork, he was enraged. and i was crying, i'm sorry, forgive me, i'll give you anything, take my money etc. i thought i was going mad, a dove started talking to me. and someone was singing my song. insanity seems to be a recurring theme in my dreams.but i'm ok, really. Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate? brought to you by Quizillayes! i love the internet, it knows me so well .now, this is rare..a guy i'm attracted to? mmm but he's so fine mmm and he does look like a girl too. i saw lotr again today, thats a very long film, better the first time.**********************my mum called today, she seemed happy, happy that I was happy. I told her about the prom dress and the pasta, she was impressed. I think I'm gaining a fuller understanding of everything. about me and how the world works. maybe I'm coming of age, just about ready to become an adult. I feel less guilty about stuff. like it's not so bad for me to have presents, afterall it is my birthday. my mum says that other people enjoy giving them to me so I shouldn't deny them it. but there's always that sneaking guilt that i really don't deserve them. well, this year I think I can have some. but no birthday cake hehe. actually my birthday's on passover so that decision's been taken out of my hands. although i've been told I have to eat everything same as normal. :( oh lordy, I've been invited to a chocoalte party! there's a chocolate eating competition. I could beat anyone hands down, but would they really want to see it?a flibbertigibbit, a will-o-the-wisp, a clown (honk, honk)