I am the girl anarchonism

its just the way the medication works.....uh oh spaghetti o's. it looks like the diary is going public. out in the open. naked. for all to see. am thinking this is perhaps a bad idea, isn't the point of this diary that i get out the horrible dirty little things that i don't want to plague everyone with? oh dear, i may have to go back and edit some of the entries. at least this isn't like me first diary...ah back in those poisonous 15 yearold days.oh no. i wanted to reminise and re-read my old diaries but they've been deleted. fuck that. but they're all about me falling in love and walking down park road alone to avoid the scary girls on my bus. the petals falling from the magnolias at the end of my old road, the pretty blue panadol in the medicine box, the shiny silverwear, my black ballgown, three way calls and first kisses. well, it's dead now.my childhood best friend popped along for the day yesterday, bringing her sister in tow. It was a tad wet but we braved the elements to visit the legendary camden.I took my brother, he was actually being quite cool. he made eveyone laugh. helped him pick some clothes and he tried on some leopard print trousers. we were in hysterics! got a prom dress. tried on loads before but they didn't fit on the chest. my body is all out of proportion, i wish i could stick some of my tummy on my shoulders and chest so the dress fitted better. the dress is all black and vampish, and ballgown type skirt with corsetty bits on the waist, so I can make it really fitted.it was really lovely seeing hannah, especially as last time I saw her I was acting like such a freak. (gawd, i can't believe I was so weird..I must have really confused everyone). We got tired and set in the food court, me sipping on my warm korfee. that bitchy guy still works in darkside, the one who said I needed the boots adjusted for my thick legs and hannah's claw rings were old-fashioned. he eviled me and my brother as we tried on capes. I can't believe I thought he was so beautiful before. maybe he's just pissed off becuase we're going to make something of our lives whereas he serves tourists all day in a pokey london shop. I got my lady of shallot outfit on ebay, now all I need is a boat and my lancelot. I think I may be being matchmade, oh the embaressment. I do not date! hannah made me do my ucas, so off the bristol i shall me going. it's a relief to have it all decided. had a brideshead evening last night, we watched the section where charles and julia begin their affair, how romantic. and we had diner. I had pasta bake. yeah, actaully! and today i had icecream. except I'd had too much to eat before hand and it didn't agree with me and made me throw up. it wasn't deliberate. taking literary. being glamourous. they left today. I miss them, I had to actually do some work. maybe it's my new positive outlook but I'm so much less worried about exams. perhaps my head has swollen up from being told that i am 'delightful to teach' and my work is 'a joy to mark'. bollocks. I just need to get really really worried and stressed then I'll do all my work. I must succeed. failure is just not an option.my tummy feels sore. wanna go read the secret history. have befriended a mice psychologist who lives next door to my grandmother, we're gonna talk about psychology, maybe work experience contacts. I've found some other people to camp with at reading. it's gonna rock my little socks off. now I'm just babbeling. oh, i found my old diary afterall. its so fucking depressing. you wanna see it? oh go on then, makes me feel sad, because I remember. but there were really good times. libs was brilliant. the party was not.*********************</p>i've been busy. well, busy as i get. it's the xmas holidays so9 theres alot of space in which i find time to do anything other than revise. main things i've been up to are:moving house, meeting the libertines and dressing up as gwen.there's not too much to say about moving house, so..now i have a new house. it's a complete tip due to copious amounts of rubbish and bozes everywhere. it will take some getting used to. i went to the libertines xmas xtraveganze of wednesday at the rhythm factory. It was a gig in quite a small cosy venue (a bar/nightclub i think) with several small bands with the libertines the most famous-everyone had come to see them. i saw KAIN, the cherubs, lefthand and kill city. I met Gary and Pete of the libertines and they were loverly-so friendly and down toi earth. pete gave my friend cookie his number (she'd given him some lyrics she'd written for advice)-how showbiz is that! we were so close to the stage (if you'd call it that-more like a little raised area) that during a crowd surge me and cookie ended up sitting on the stage! we got some attractive bruises. that was such a fun night. and we got in the club despite being under 18-impressive. no need for the very fake looking fake id my friend made me then (luckily). i came back, my clothes and hair drowned in cigarette stench. but it was good fun.my friend's 16th birthday, i was surprisingly invited. a dress up party-yay i think (how i adore costumes). and i went all out on my costume. I was gwen stefani-my idol. Long blonde wig, dominatrix cap, red lipstick, red and gold nails, black bikini top, red string vest, black cords cut off into shorts, fishnets, stripey sock cut into a glove, twisted shag bands, thick liquid liner. practically no one dressed up atall.they just wore normal clothes, the embaresment. but everyone said my costume was great. but everyone stood outside and smoked and moaned about how much they wanted to get pissed. me agreeing, i just can't handle social situations like this without my alkiehol. i feel too self conscious, shy and self-loathing so i can't really enjoy that. mmm alcohol is my favourite friend I love it more than life itself. i drank abit of other people's drinks but it wasn't enough, tho i did feel abit better.but i was already feeling too down to feel better and moped about whilst my friends danced around and pulled guys and occasioanlly tried to cheer me up or get me to talk to them. i think i have a communication problem haha i just can't talk about my problems to anyone. i swear its not natural to cry as much as i do. especially when nothing's wrong. freek. a guy who gets my bus was there and he pulled one of my best friends so i got introduced to him, wow, i know someone who gets my bus. but will he recognise me without my wig? silly night, i cried in the car home. but nothings wrong or is there. well i had a bitchin costume atleast.my friends say. that. i have to talk to someone. or they will. talk to the school. or my mum. and the school will talk to my mum. and blah blah blah. that will ruin my life. full stop. what am i sposed to do?? its all very well to say talk to someone but i just can't i have no one to talk to and i trust no one. oh, i'm a mess and my life is about to be destroyed. my bad dreams have restarted. i dremt i hacked up my brothers new clothes with a giant fork, he was enraged. and i was crying, i'm sorry, forgive me, i'll give you anything, take my money etc. i thought i was going mad, a dove started talking to me. and someone was singing my song. insanity seems to be a recurring theme in my dreams.but i'm ok, really. Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate? brought to you by Quizillayes! i love the internet, it knows me so well .now, this is rare..a guy i'm attracted to? mmm but he's so fine mmm and he does look like a girl too. i saw lotr again today, thats a very long film, better the first time.**********************my mum called today, she seemed happy, happy that I was happy. I told her about the prom dress and the pasta, she was impressed. I think I'm gaining a fuller understanding of everything. about me and how the world works. maybe I'm coming of age, just about ready to become an adult. I feel less guilty about stuff. like it's not so bad for me to have presents, afterall it is my birthday. my mum says that other people enjoy giving them to me so I shouldn't deny them it. but there's always that sneaking guilt that i really don't deserve them. well, this year I think I can have some. but no birthday cake hehe. actually my birthday's on passover so that decision's been taken out of my hands. although i've been told I have to eat everything same as normal. :( oh lordy, I've been invited to a chocoalte party! there's a chocolate eating competition. I could beat anyone hands down, but would they really want to see it?a flibbertigibbit, a will-o-the-wisp, a clown (honk, honk)

glorious - part 2

the evening went really well! The party was in a rented room above a pub, i was worried I wouldn't know anyone. I decided to make an effort, feeling kinda sexy in my little pinstripe skirt and furry legwarmers strutting down the street. There's no use cowering in the shadows when you have furry legs. I met my friend before we arrived, she'd written me a poem! A txt I sent her inspired it, all about the langour of youth, beauty and decadence. it was lovely. we walked over to the pub when another friend arrived. I hadn't seen them in so long. They were really sweet, it was great to catch up. When you haven't seen someone in a long time there are loads of things to ask so its not so awkward. I was the only one of the 3 of us with (fake)ID so I tottered along with the drinks. they wouldn't give us triples, bah humbug. I drank double vodka tonics instead, clear and pure. none of that sugary pop shit. talking of pop shit the music was dire. justin timberlake. bon jovi.I chatted to loads of people, I felt really sociable. Some more people I knew turned up. I also had a big talk with my (best) friend. I said we'd be totally honest now, no secrets. she said she thought I was really beautiful and she couldn't understand how I could see different. I love her. Afterwards we crammed in will's car and went back to marco's to smoke some draw. I giggled and smoked a pipe. it has to be done. The guys had girl-slagging conversations, then remembering I was there they apologised. I'm not shocked. They walked me to the bus stop. I didn't get home til 2.30. I got the night bus. Feel like I'm re-becoming a proper teenager. about time. the restraints are coming off. these bonds are shackle free.Today I got up pretty exhausted. white liner brightens up my bleary eyes. Another day in the book shop. I didn't eat much, feeling a bit woozy in my tummy. But didn't binge, which makes a nice change. I just got home, changed into some summery clothes and lay on my bed playing guitar.this feels so warm.

Glorious

oh what a beautiful day. the sun shining down on everything, lush and green and full of life. I feel like I'm coming out of hibernation, what a brilliant day just to be alive.maybe I'm reaching my ephiphany. the one where I realise that I can be happy no matter how I look, I am more than just a number on the scales. we all hope to be something more.and when I feel like this I can do anything. prozac in the spring. but it's something more. So I know I must eat because binging ruins my days. so I did. And to smile at everyone, to be cheerful, I love talking to them because I want to share this. joyful. at peace.I bourght some items for my Lady of Shallot costume on ebay, it's gonna look beautiful. And I'm going out tonight, unafraid. Might even wear a skirt. today I feel so free.

boy...one day you'll be a man

I sure am a circus of emotions. like the rhyme...and when they were up they were up and when they were down they were down. now I'm feeling fine and dandy.I went to the doctors and got very frustrated and felt rather bad. then my dad took me to see my grandmother. its her birthday and she's all on her own with no one to cut her cakes with. I didn't want to be looking sad on her special day so i tried to look cheery. you pretend enough and it becomes real. i felt good and it was nice to see her.there's no such thing as misery chic. not really. red teary eyes are not sexy.and then i could concentrate on my work and be sunny. my mum called and I was cheerful, not moping to her. now I'll go lie down and read, I feel at peace.

start over

pahanother day of revision. woop-de-doo. Am very disappointed with yesterday, I b/p 4 times even though I'm sposed to have quite. I resisted a fith time, just couldn't be bothered to go through with it all again. watched 'you are what you eat' and felt lonely. today must be better. I must actually do some work and not binge. I even have to go to my stupid doctor. he doesn't take me seriously. don't wanna go.now I really sound like a brat.read the secret history, its really good

can't admit I need you

dear mumyou only left 6 and a half hours ago but I already miss you. I have to prove I can manage without you but so far it isn't working. I got through breakfast ok and made an early start on revision. that was good. photosynthesis, quite boring stuff. then dad went out food shopping. he said he'd be less than an hour. he was going to sainsburies. i didn't think why he wasn't going to a nearby supermarket but I said ok and he left. as his car pulled away i remembered the packet of raisins I'd seen 'hidden' on the floor in his room. I went to see if they were there. phew, they weren't. Then i turned around. They were wrapped in a plastic bag on the chair. I took them out. be strong, don't eat. I opened the packet. I couldn't resist. soon I was in the kitchen, finishing off what little food there was. picking the raisins out of museli, spooning yogurt and honey, dry bread, apples. a trip to the toilet, feeling ashamed. then back again. why am i still doing this, i could stop now? but I carried on. another toilet trip. there goes my 2 days in a row without a binge. didn't even manage one day without throwing up. 2 hours later he returned. its a case of when the cat's away the mice will play. stacks of bags filled to the brim. chocolate eggs. custard. cheese. tarts. all the tempting food, big loads of it. all the things you wouldn't want around, high colesterol, doesn't he care? but when you're gone he buys what he wants. he says don't look, I know you don't like lots of food.but I can't help it. so fucking much. he's going out later and I'll probably eat a whole load more. I had to tell him I'd already eaten, it was so embaressing and I felt so ashamed. now I'm crying upstairs as he packs the food into the cupcoards. justing waiting for tomorrow when everyone asks 'where did the ..... go?' 'i thought we bourght ......' 'there were 5 ...... yesterday' 'i want a ......, where are they' 'who ate the ......'I'm so ashamed. can't concentrate on work. need to prove I can manage without you. 6 and a half hours. and I can't. you won't be back for a week. how will I cope. soon it will be time for dad's afternoon nap and i shall begin eating again.I'm so ashamed.

fucking raisins

I was left in the house for less than an hour alone, and I just couldn't reisit binging, could I. thought I must keep busy i must keep busy, but raisins are a real weakness of mine. pah. then it lead to other things. feel so stupid, this is eating out (haha no pun intended) of my revision time. so cross with myself.

swollen summer

the 'holidays' finally came along. I'm not sure if they count as a proper holiday seeing as I'm expected to revise through most of it. Have done some, its just so dull! Luckily I only really have 3 subjects to revise and it's been so little time since the mocks that I know it all quite well.am looking on ebay for things to wear as part of my lady of shallot outfit. the party is a literary/historical character theme. being a red-head I've decided (provisionally) to go as a pre-raphellite. long flowing white skirt, bell sleeve white top. very pretty but perhaps a little too modest to be sexy? I went to that party i mentioned before. decided against the 'no drinking rule' and risked binging to have a good, tipsy time. I did start to stuff myself, but it a moment of dutch coroage I talked to a couple of my friends about my eating problems. after that i didn't feel like eating any more. they did all know afterall, and said they were sorry for talking to my parents. I felt all emotional, but luckily didn't cry. then everyone was really sweet and huggy and I love you no I love you I'm sorry no i'm sorry. Martha said i haven't gotten fat and I can eat what I want because it's my personality that counts not my weight. I wish it all sunk in.well, then i met this nice guy. I started talking to him, i'm not sure how it started. I'd had quite a bit to drink and was surprised that he seemed to want to go on talking to me. attention attention. well, we carried on chatting, turned out we're going to the same uni (probably). we carried on talking, moving in closer, I'm feeling confident from the drink (spent a lot of the evening carrying fround a bottle of champers) and thinking ooh go on be brave you could kiss him. we danced (yes, i danced and only felt a little bit stupid) and kissed and chatted some more, it was really sweet. a=I sat on his lap and he kept kinda stroking my tummy. I wanted to ask him why, can't he see how it sticks out, how horrible it is. but I didn't. tummy was happy to have someone show it some affection. then he asked me for my number. heres where the dilema is. I haven't heard from him and it's been over a week. did i get my number wrong in my drunken stupour or did he wake up and have a flash of cosciousness.or reminded by a less drunk person. ahh.this sounds so niave and inexperienced. I'm quite shy and wall-flower-esque, i'm not used to this.well, he might be at this costume party so i want to be dressed nicely. look at me, taking an interest in my appearance. i guess this is healthy.I went to an openday where we got to stay overnight. we all went to the college bar, drank snakebites (mm) and did kareoke, lots of drunken fun. its so libearting to meet new people, I feel like I become someone new aswell. the uni was nice but I think I'd prefer a city.so now I'm 'revising'. My grandfather's been taken into hospital for kidney problems. then he had a stroke and now he can't speak. it's scary, i know old people can't live forever but I wish they would. It isn't fair, how will me grandmother manage alone? why do things like this happen to the good people? I feel guilty for taking up so much space.