survival - I shall fight another day!

I am sleepy, it's after 1am and I really should get some shut-eye. Just thought I'd check up on some people and update. I've got back from the before-mentioned chocolate party. yeah, I went to a chocolate party. this is unusual because:
I am shy, so am not often at parties (up until recently)
I am a bit reclusive and have been unappoachable so not often invited to parties.
I binge and am embaressed about it, so a party with loads of chocolate is a danger point.
I get scared about weight gain. chocolate is calorific (is that a word? did I invent it?)
Parties have booze galore, drinking lowers my eating inhibitions.

But I have survived. ok, I ate rather a bit, but it was not a binge. it was just eating rather a lot of chocolatey food over a period of time. like everyone else. i didn't feel guilty, and just got to the point where I didn't much want to eat anymore. felt a bit yucky. didn't drink loads and got to chat to lots of people I hadn't previously known very well. which was fun. there's someone I might possibly/maybe/kinda/maybe not like so was nice to talk to him.
On that subject, I saw such a beautiful girl today. well, woman. She was gorgeous, i couldn't stop looking at her from my upper level bus wondow. black and red dyed hair, pale with dark makeup, several piercings in her ears. looked like she might have worked at the bank, blue shirt, black skirt and chunky heels. looked like she had a personality that totally didn't fit the job. my heart skipped a beat when i saw her walk to queue up for my bus. I waited for her to come up the stairs, hoping she might sit next to me. she didn't come up, so I went down to look for/at her, and she'd disappeared. she must work in the town. maybe I'll go look for her.
I also (jokingly) attempted to seduce a firned of mine.she's never kissed a girl, I wanted to find some way of tricking her into kissing me. like miming something to her so she had to come very close to hear, then quickly kissing her. or turning my face as she hugged me to say goodbye. but I think I've scared her. danced, not good music. I love nirvana at the mo. I'm loving martha's boyfriend. not like that. he's just a really nice guy.
my tummy feels funny. tomorrow I'm gonna detox, nothing chemical. that means no cocktails in the evening for girly tv. I don't even want my yogurt, all those e-numbers. maybe I'll trade for some milk. milk is pure and white. i only want pure things. gonna go work out. my thighs look really weird, think the muscle's gone saggy. must get toned!

and just when I thought everything had gone quiet something rather exciting happened. I was getting the bus on my own, fingers crossed that i handed missed the last bus. I'm my red red coat, bopping along to heart-shaped box. then along came this guy. it was dark and he looked a bit hooded and shifty so i edged away. he said hi, i too and carried on lsitening. then he jestured to me to take off my headphones so I did and we started talking. he seemed really friendly and i was in a good mood so not scared. turned out he was going up to camden (at this time of night) on the train and he'd seen me and just had to go over and talk to me. the station is quite a way away from the bus stop, oh you know I'm a romantic, i go all fluttery at the slightest wink. He was starting up a stall selling crafts and things in camden, I'm a market lover, then my bus came, he jumped on the bus to get my number and I thought why not? usually I would have freaked out, then thought what it? the driver waited for us to finish and we swapped names. he text me later on, so luckily I got the number right. (and he didn't lose it like some people). I told him straight out I don't wanna date. I haven't got the time for a commitment, i'm so busy working, revising, examing, rebuilding my relationships and social life and going to the doctors that a bf would be wway too much to handle. who needs the aggravation? but hanging out, that i can do. i'll text him back tomorrow. even if nothing comes of it it made me feel nice. ever since I lost my period I've had a total love-life drought (for lack of any better phrase), actually the last time i had kissed a guy was shortly before I lost them. perhaps I stopped secreting pheromones. or skeletal really isn't sexy. but now, having piled on the pounds in the last few months, suddenly I'm getting a whole lot more attention.
geri halliwell was right. the woman has been inspiring me since I was 7. she's made me proud to be ginger. maybe I'll read her bio (anyone read it, is it good?).
so If I'd backed out of the party none of this would have ever happened. good omen. I'm going to sleep now.