growl

gawd, I am a misery! Have managed to have a really depressing weekend, fighting with both parents and myself over nothing particularly important. too much crying. I'm lonely. So I'm up here on my own, maybe I should go down and apologise. I don't feel sorry but I'm just so fucking sad and lonely, need company (attention, give-me-attention). Why does everyone lie so much? when they're angry they tell the truth. and I know they're so sick of me. Too much crying, my face feels sore. My birthday is in a week, its turning into far far more stress than it's worth. the food, organising, presents. it's sposed to be fun. Has anyone ever been to club bohemia, they have a shakespearean aball on, sounds fabulous. my grandmother is asking me to tell her what to give as a gift. I really have no idea, what's appropriate. any clues greatly appreciated (I'll be 18, this is supposedly an monument birthday). I think I'll have to humble myself and go apologise. i still feel angry but I hate it when I know people are angry with me, I feel so bad, like little dirt on the floor. In some ways I can't imagine leaving home but then i think i must start to have my own life, where I live for me and don't focus on my mother. maybe there's something freudian going on there. hehe. she says i shouldn't get so worried, its perfectly normal for teenagers to fight with their parents. but for me its not alright, seriosuly, it feels like the end of the world and I hate myslef to death for it. Sorry to whine. Had a bad night yesterday, but today went better. we went to see my grandfather's ashes, the spot where they are. I'm not sure what i'm supposed to feel, there didn't seem to be anything there that reminded me of him. except that it overlooks a golf course. once he took me golfing when i was little, He was fast, i kept a little score card, i filled it up so couldn't do anymore, I'd got passed hole-in-20. I wasn't the best player. but it was nice of him to take me. I've been a bad girl and not eating all my food. but it made me feel better. Haven't done my work. grr I feel so angry with myself. You and me outside, lets fight. pow pow pow