under the sun

oops I didn't get round to finishing my entry yesterday. not a good start.It's really hot. actually I can't tell if it's all that hot, may just for me. apparently I'm metabolising at a very high rate, producing lots of heat. it's strangely sunny out. I get scared I'll get sunburnt so I stay in. It was difficult this mornining. I was binging which made me hot and I was wearing my covering-up outfit (long black baggy jumper-dress and baggy jeans) and didn't want to take off the jumper. I really have eaten a lot today, feel really disappointed in myself. Can't be bothered to throw up. I've done the same so many times in past and I've still ended up here. Maybe my sore tummy will put me off doing it again. I'm the only one in the house (excluding the cat) so i can really do whatever I want. It's a shame that that usually turns out to be gorging on my own. what a pathetic way to spend time. checked email. neither of m 'pen-friends' have replied. boo. might go play guitar, I've just started learning to play plug in baby, it would be great if I could play it well. This week I went on a university visit. it seemed really nice, in a city that was pretty and old. not too industrial but still with lots to do and see. It's only 3 hours from home and quite prestigious. my mum likes it and I like that she likes it. she now denies this and says its my choice. that just makes things harder. oh, where am I to go?**********edit references to presents!tomorrow I'm going to my first proper 'house party' in I don't know how long. I must try not to get too drunk. But I must also try to be confident and meet new people. I must not binge and embaress myself infront of others. But equally if I skip meals beforehand it will make it even more likely. I must not cry and try to stay for the whole thing. I must try not to throw up, but when you drink it's hard. oh, its so much effort and confusion. aren't parties supposed to be fun?am reading 'the secret history', seems good if a bit sinister

making the change

I'm on the verge, on the verge of making the change. On one side it seems that I can work at losing weight, continue to worry about it in my old way. or i could start to live, go out more, be more. I want to be so much more. So I think this is where I make the change, choose life so to say. It will be so hard to give upand accept my body but maybe i can go back to 'normal' and be like other people. I had a family session today, they asked my dad about his weight, I didn;t want to say anything insulting. We must look a strnage pair. I ws in a bit of a bad state because I'd ended up binging at home, then on the way to and at school. that sounds so stupid, so stupid to be so out of control. I even threw up at school (not deliberately), I've never properly done that before. Then i threw up again at the hospital. I didn't mean to but it helped me to calm down. oh, my poor little teeth.My mood's been greatly lifted by **********************************edit I don't know if drinking will reduce the effects, hope not. At the weekend I'm going to my first proper party in ages. There may be lots of people there. hello nervous shyness. there will be party food there. hello binge trigger. shy->drink->drunk->reduced inhibitions->binge->puke->here we go again.I need to try really hard. i'd really like to meet some new people, I've been getting quite isolated. the cowardly thing would be not to go. won't let that happen.I shall stand proud in my black lace and lucky pants. maybe proud is an overstatement. Will try to wear something that covers my tummy. Maybe I could try not to drink too much (but it makes me brave...). Might be going market shopping with my family during the day. am not gre