growl

gawd, I am a misery! Have managed to have a really depressing weekend, fighting with both parents and myself over nothing particularly important. too much crying. I'm lonely. So I'm up here on my own, maybe I should go down and apologise. I don't feel sorry but I'm just so fucking sad and lonely, need company (attention, give-me-attention). Why does everyone lie so much? when they're angry they tell the truth. and I know they're so sick of me. Too much crying, my face feels sore. My birthday is in a week, its turning into far far more stress than it's worth. the food, organising, presents. it's sposed to be fun. Has anyone ever been to club bohemia, they have a shakespearean aball on, sounds fabulous. my grandmother is asking me to tell her what to give as a gift. I really have no idea, what's appropriate. any clues greatly appreciated (I'll be 18, this is supposedly an monument birthday). I think I'll have to humble myself and go apologise. i still feel angry but I hate it when I know people are angry with me, I feel so bad, like little dirt on the floor. In some ways I can't imagine leaving home but then i think i must start to have my own life, where I live for me and don't focus on my mother. maybe there's something freudian going on there. hehe. she says i shouldn't get so worried, its perfectly normal for teenagers to fight with their parents. but for me its not alright, seriosuly, it feels like the end of the world and I hate myslef to death for it. Sorry to whine. Had a bad night yesterday, but today went better. we went to see my grandfather's ashes, the spot where they are. I'm not sure what i'm supposed to feel, there didn't seem to be anything there that reminded me of him. except that it overlooks a golf course. once he took me golfing when i was little, He was fast, i kept a little score card, i filled it up so couldn't do anymore, I'd got passed hole-in-20. I wasn't the best player. but it was nice of him to take me. I've been a bad girl and not eating all my food. but it made me feel better. Haven't done my work. grr I feel so angry with myself. You and me outside, lets fight. pow pow pow

survival - I shall fight another day!

I am sleepy, it's after 1am and I really should get some shut-eye. Just thought I'd check up on some people and update. I've got back from the before-mentioned chocolate party. yeah, I went to a chocolate party. this is unusual because:
I am shy, so am not often at parties (up until recently)
I am a bit reclusive and have been unappoachable so not often invited to parties.
I binge and am embaressed about it, so a party with loads of chocolate is a danger point.
I get scared about weight gain. chocolate is calorific (is that a word? did I invent it?)
Parties have booze galore, drinking lowers my eating inhibitions.

But I have survived. ok, I ate rather a bit, but it was not a binge. it was just eating rather a lot of chocolatey food over a period of time. like everyone else. i didn't feel guilty, and just got to the point where I didn't much want to eat anymore. felt a bit yucky. didn't drink loads and got to chat to lots of people I hadn't previously known very well. which was fun. there's someone I might possibly/maybe/kinda/maybe not like so was nice to talk to him.
On that subject, I saw such a beautiful girl today. well, woman. She was gorgeous, i couldn't stop looking at her from my upper level bus wondow. black and red dyed hair, pale with dark makeup, several piercings in her ears. looked like she might have worked at the bank, blue shirt, black skirt and chunky heels. looked like she had a personality that totally didn't fit the job. my heart skipped a beat when i saw her walk to queue up for my bus. I waited for her to come up the stairs, hoping she might sit next to me. she didn't come up, so I went down to look for/at her, and she'd disappeared. she must work in the town. maybe I'll go look for her.
I also (jokingly) attempted to seduce a firned of mine.she's never kissed a girl, I wanted to find some way of tricking her into kissing me. like miming something to her so she had to come very close to hear, then quickly kissing her. or turning my face as she hugged me to say goodbye. but I think I've scared her. danced, not good music. I love nirvana at the mo. I'm loving martha's boyfriend. not like that. he's just a really nice guy.
my tummy feels funny. tomorrow I'm gonna detox, nothing chemical. that means no cocktails in the evening for girly tv. I don't even want my yogurt, all those e-numbers. maybe I'll trade for some milk. milk is pure and white. i only want pure things. gonna go work out. my thighs look really weird, think the muscle's gone saggy. must get toned!

and just when I thought everything had gone quiet something rather exciting happened. I was getting the bus on my own, fingers crossed that i handed missed the last bus. I'm my red red coat, bopping along to heart-shaped box. then along came this guy. it was dark and he looked a bit hooded and shifty so i edged away. he said hi, i too and carried on lsitening. then he jestured to me to take off my headphones so I did and we started talking. he seemed really friendly and i was in a good mood so not scared. turned out he was going up to camden (at this time of night) on the train and he'd seen me and just had to go over and talk to me. the station is quite a way away from the bus stop, oh you know I'm a romantic, i go all fluttery at the slightest wink. He was starting up a stall selling crafts and things in camden, I'm a market lover, then my bus came, he jumped on the bus to get my number and I thought why not? usually I would have freaked out, then thought what it? the driver waited for us to finish and we swapped names. he text me later on, so luckily I got the number right. (and he didn't lose it like some people). I told him straight out I don't wanna date. I haven't got the time for a commitment, i'm so busy working, revising, examing, rebuilding my relationships and social life and going to the doctors that a bf would be wway too much to handle. who needs the aggravation? but hanging out, that i can do. i'll text him back tomorrow. even if nothing comes of it it made me feel nice. ever since I lost my period I've had a total love-life drought (for lack of any better phrase), actually the last time i had kissed a guy was shortly before I lost them. perhaps I stopped secreting pheromones. or skeletal really isn't sexy. but now, having piled on the pounds in the last few months, suddenly I'm getting a whole lot more attention.
geri halliwell was right. the woman has been inspiring me since I was 7. she's made me proud to be ginger. maybe I'll read her bio (anyone read it, is it good?).
so If I'd backed out of the party none of this would have ever happened. good omen. I'm going to sleep now.

first frapuccino of the summer

I just found this blog , isn't it cute. how adorable.
Today was such a sunny day, I even wore a skirt and sun glasses. Went to the dietician, she's a bit scary as she's tough but she's alright. has started being a lot nicer to me. She says I can do more exercise now (yippee, I'm so lazy! Must get fit) which is nice. I've very close to my proper weight. apparently my tummy is very flat. it just doesn't look that way to me. we talked a bit about the party i'm going to tomorrow. I think she thought it was funny. in other news today anorexic goes to chocolate party.
actually I've been to chocolate parties before, just this one has other people there. I will probably eat to much. but I don't feel all that bothered about it. Must try and get the mix right, eat but still interact with others. its easy to get absorbed in the food and forget there's a party.
She didn't tell me my weight, I don't want to know the numbers. i fixated on numbers. Which is strange for someone who doesn't much like maths. calories, minutes of exercise, pounds and kilos, counting the days, the pieces. I am more than just a number.
But apparently I look much better. am not so sure. need constant reassurance. My mum said they'll take a photo of me for a case history and show it to the children who will say 'she's fat'. I'm sure she ment this in a nice way, it just came out a bit wrong. My mum says people will like me better now because I am happy and pretty, which beats unhappy and pretty. but mums always say you're pretty. We drove with the top of the car down, the wind blowing in our hair.
I'm getting my nhs worth, this treatment is apparently 'luxury'. I feel sorry for people in america where you have to pay and be on waiting lsits. lots of people out there need help.
I've been growing some sunflowers. they're red and the shoots are springing up fast. also potted some pumpkins today. very satisfying, I can see how people can get excitied about gardening. oh lord did I just say that? how pathetic. is anyone else growing anything? can you beat mine? no, didn't think so.
My mentor to be cancelled our tea. rescheduled for next week. she doesn't know she's going to be my mentor. yet. I want to ask psychology'related questions and ask her opinions on things. maybe i can get some more, people studying already at uni. any contacts would be good.
Another ripple on the boy pool. I really must think of a name for them makes it easier. ok one in now Lancelot. This is the same guy would didn't txt me and made me feel doubtful. now turns out he lost my number, and now isn't sure whether to text/call me because it's been so long. this is so silly. it's already getting complicated and we're not even going out yet. so he's not sure if I like him. and I'm not sure if I like him. how am i sposed to find out? what a stupid little paragraph this is turning into. this is turning into a teeny-gossip-lip-gloss diary. ooh I think I might like someone else too. but maybe not. i should meet people when sober. might form proper opinion.
mushroom party is go! meet me in the park, costumes optional.
I'm going to do a proper intorduction to myself soon. So everyone knows me. Now I think I'll go watch desperate housewives. yeah, it's trash but we love it! The lib dems gave me a leaflet today. Vincent Cable is such a decent guy, I can't explain why I like him. guess he just has a lot of charisma. But really, what a nice guy. he even popped round door to door to visit.
Neighbours are taking down the fence. goodbye privacy. we can't do much because we don't own it. unfair? they have a little football playing boy, very energetic! Thats enough of mundane details of my life.
I'm in a vampirish mood.I've always been a little that way inclined. perhaps this is not the kind of thing i should be admitting to. well, i've got to go now so i can't go into much detail. Maybe another time? we'll catch up, coffee ok for you?





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I'm such a little cuddlewhore

cut myself on angel hair and baby's breath

polly wants a cracker....I must be getting old and wise. I have discovered that I too have a drinking limit, and it is not cool to get incredibly drunk immediately. no, really. Yesterday I think I crossed that limit. well, live and learn.I had a friend over to get dressed with, which takes the dtress out of it. I can't freak out about what I'm waering and get all self-consicious with someoneelse there. She curled here hair, we straightened mine and printed off a map. The party was in a place that i have some bad memories from. Maybe its best not to say where. here's the history1. first time I ever went there was when someone jumped infront of our train so we had to evacuate. It took hours to get home on a crowded and stuffy bus. My friend's psychotic mother didn't know where she was and called round all the parents getting me, her and several other friends into a lot of trouble. They in turn got angry with me. It was a shitty end to an otherwise fun day out in London.2. The second time I ever went there was to get to someone's house. We didn't have the address and when we called our friends they were too stoned to give it to us. We wandered for ages, because the station is outside the town so it was a long and tiring walk. By the time we found them they wanted to leave. typical.3. At about 3 in the morning coming back from clubbing in London my friend suddenly believed she 'had' to get off the bus. We all had to go with her. She stared at the river and slurred poetically. she wasn't ill, she was drunk. we had to wait ages for the next night bus (it comes once an hour) and I felt rather that i had been too shallow to share her experience. I got told off for being back so late.4. Mark Bolan dies there. He was so young and curly. Anyway, after one wrong turn, it took us half an hour to walk to the house. we made a game of it, our quest of the umbrella. a human and a dwarf struggle across trecherous lands to get to the party. We sand the nobby all song on the way. made up some 'new' verses.His knife was very blunt, very blunt.his knife was very blunt, very blunt.His knife was very blunt, as he was a silly......billyhis knife was very blunt very blunt.He was following a map, a map (a map?)he was following a map, a map (what's a map?)he was following a map and he stopped to take a .....roadhe was following a map, a map.other worse ones rhymed rugger and bugger.We were there quite early so there was much to drink. i made a cocktail, it started off as vodka and lemonade. then I drank some. then added some cranberry juice. then drank some. then added a bottle of reef. then drank some. then topped up with tequila. It was very strong and frequewnt tiopping up meant I mostly had a full glass all evening. also drank about a glass of wine and a tequila shot. Suddenly, about an hour in, the drunkeness hit me. lordy, I was wasted. much more drunk then all the others. i got the impression they were eyeing me with both wonder and contempt.I chatted away happy as a sand boy with some friends of friends. met my friend's mysterious boyfriend (he's lovely by the way), unfortunately I can't tell how my friendliness whilst drunk appeared. what seemed perfectly civilised to me may have been obscenely obvious flirting to others.weirdly enough:I smoked, and I do not smoke. the bad part was I liked it to. must not smoke againI ate meat, and I'm a vegetarian!I tried to pick on the guy who used to pick on me at juniour school. the bastard. why does everyone like him, he's horrible!My well-meaning best friend decided to find out lots of information about before mentioned guy I met at the previosu party (clever, tummy stroking). She'd had rather a lot to drink too, sop what she probably thought was civilised curoisity actually came out as some kind of desperate obbsessiveness. I am so embaressed!I also told vaiour people in my year that i should talk to them more often. someone should just shut me up. But I did get some compliments on my outfit and a lift home. remembering my outfit at an underground-themed party several people repeatedly refered to me as picadilly circus. I danced and people sat on me. So it was fun, even if I did eat rather a lot and embaressed myself. Today i've been at work. not very exciting. i've overeaten and my tummy is a bit sore. very few customers, quiet day. Started reading the jane austen book club when bored, seemed cute. read the magic page in a mushroom picker's handbook. hehe.

she wants to move...

I had to get un unaturally early today. 8.30. not nice. I do some volunteering with barnados on saturday mornings, the Stars On Saturdays (has the rather unfortunate abbreviation of SOS). It's an activity club for young people in the area who have physical or mental disabilities. We're quite near in age so we hang out and do stuff together like table football, pool, cooking, art'n'craft. Can be tirering but fun too. Today was a little difficult, this quite sweet boy with autism got really grabby. It was ok at first, but he just kept touching me and taking me off with him. His speech is a little difficult to understand but I swear at one point he was saying something about massages. well, it was a bit creepy.we watched a video they'd made for promotion, us at halloween. looked very cute and professional. Lots of the kids had got the same cold so we were a little depleted in numbers.Now I'm home I should be revising. My mum's gone to see my grandfather. he's speaking now n they've got him a speech therapist. it's strange, because on my work exp 9speech therapy) i programmed a communication aid (like a talking computer) for an old woman who'd had a stroke. It seemed so far off, unconnected to me. I got it to say things about going bowling and getting a haircut. Last night we had another brideshead evening. As i've probably siad before, this involves a special dinner, wine and watching the video whilst discussing the various merits of jeremey irons. meal was scrummy, rose was bubbly and jermemy and julia are gorgeous as ever. Oh, to live in those times. The party-for-which I'm going as the lady of shallot is being all planned out. kitten is trying to find me a lancelot. oh lordy.Tonight I'm going to a party. yet another party! wow, go sociability. Get dressed up, get trashed and dance. I think. Sounds fun. yeah fun, not scary! Look at me, power girl. I should have a medal or something. I've not technically been invited, but am going with friends. ah, who cares. Am at the moment thinking I will go to the chocolate party afterall. My dad got me some chocolate liqueur to take. I'm gonna be popular. mmm.I'm having a girly get ready session before hand, cute. I really should be working. but just, don't, feel , like, it. got a letter from ucas today confirming my choices. it's really happening. The people we were going to do a house swap with cancelled. bastards. I really ought to go work. maybe in a little bit....toodles