weekend of debauchery

my oh my oh myI feel about a hundred years old.So, saturday was that day that comes once a year when we celebrate St George, Shakespeare, this year the exodus and my coming of age.I'm celebrating freedom.I woke up very early in the morning, the doorbell's shrill calling and flowers just for me! I've never been sent flowers, they were such beautiful dark red roses they almost made me want to cry. Usually on birthdays I've picked all my presents about a month in advance so there's no excitement. But this year it was all surprises. I got a patterned tent (don't laugh, i have uses for it), its flowery and I will be the belle of the ball this year at reading. also got tickets to guys and dolls where I get to see the rather delicious ewan mcgregor perform. fanatastic. I could go on listing gifts but is it really that interesting? If you want to know more (you have insomnia and need something to occupy you) ask. My brother and I went on a triumphant stroll to the off-license. it was a bit of an anticlimax as they didn't id me. rats. We also spent ages in the party shop trying on different masks. he's turning into a boy i'm very proud to call my brother. he got 3! I got one plus new wings for me to fly in. It was seder night (that's the celebration first night of passover week) so i had my family over. it was somewhat depleted with my keates and kipling quoting grandfather in hospital and guitar girlie rachel on a d of e camp out. I'd helped with the cooking and we sat down to do the service. this involves doing some readings, prayers, songs and symbolism before tucking into a yeast-free diner. They made the strangest cake, it sunk and was incredibly skinny. a waif of a cake. My gal-pals (oh, i must never use that phrase again) came over to dress up. We went to a shakespearean theme club night up in londinium. I tugged on my stocking, tutu, cloak, eyeliner, evening gloves and top hat, set my wings then was ready to go. my baby brother let me put some eyeliner on him, he looked really good. got there quite early and made jokes about the pub next door that i am surely too old to find funny. little boy got in fine, he was masked up and I just walzed in and said 'I'm paying for the donkey'. which made everyone laugh. I got copious free drinks and kisses a-plenty. very loevly. I danced my little socks off, and had my first ever absinthe. reminds me of gaviscon. thats a good thing, i like my aniseed. everyone was so pretty, It was pretty much impossible to tell who was gay or straight, sometimes even male or female. beautiful, I was in rapture. I came with a midsummer night's dream clique, a puck (I like....pucking), 2 bottoms, a peaseblossom, juliet and a fool. i was cobweb. if cobweb wore a top hat. felt a little intimidated by some others, i really wanted to talk to everyone and tell them how fabulous they looked but the wallflower in me got scared. I met a pirate, a romeo, a caesar, another puck and a julia from brideshead. atleast that's what she was to me. what a gorgeous night, kit and lived up to our dancewhore reputation. we almost found hamlet. almost. better luck next time. The next day i threw a drunken picnic. lots of asti and rose, blankets, music, my friends. we lay around, very chilled, cute fun. more flowers. all sweet.Now I'm actually having to work, i had 2 tests today! I feel most hard done by. my oh my I am so very old.ps there is a photo of me here on my bday here : http://www.glam-ou-rama.co.uk/gallery_cats_view.asp?catid=1032 can you spot me? rate nicely xx

Sehnsucht

tear the petals off of you....So today is my last day of being a child. I feel that I should have gone to the park or got out my old teddy bears, maybe watched some disney. It was come-as-a-childhood-literary-character day at school, all the little girls dressed as faeries, puss in books, witches and a couple of brilliant cat-in-the-cats. made my day. I feel that I am ready to grow up now, I've made my peace. seriously, I don't feel any hate or anger towards anyone (maybe with the exception of hitler but he never said sorry to me so I don't see why i should forgive him), I feel more in control of everything, ready to go forward. I've got a path and ambitions, I feel like I'm going somehwere. like a pheonix, rising out of the ashes!Today was so beautiful, i sat at the bus stop and watched the wind rain down pink petals, floating like snow, gathering in piles like a wedding day. it was warm and sunny but not enough for me to worry about getting burnt. I was going over to meet my grandmother's neighbour. She's a psycho-physiologist. We went for a walk with her little daughter and she told me about her career and qualifications. It involves things like sleep, stress, nutrition, she gives seminars and helps people out, advice on getting the most out of life, energy etc.She was very helpful, and she said I'd make a good psychologist because I'm a good listener. whta lovely thing to say. I met her cute little daughter too. Went to see my grandmother afterwards. She was also very nice, thoguh I find it owrrying how old and frail she seems to look now. She's recently got asthma. She asked me how I was feeling and I said i felt much better. she asked if I'd put on any weight, which i think wsn't very tactful on her part. i like to think that she said it because it wasn't that obvious. Her neighbour said i was very slim, which was nice. i think I'm getting more perspective today. yesterday I felt sure that I wa morbidly obese. But today...well, i'm not as thin as I once was but I'm probably quite similar to other people. I think i am getting my period (sorry to gross anyone out). this is kinda significant, i haven't had one for a year and feel quite ambivalent with it. i guess when i get it that will be the point when I cease to be 'anorexic'. If there is any fairness I will not get my period back on my birthday. that's just not fair. It's passover tomorrow, we're burning the chamez(levened food eg bread) in a little bonfire. I went out to get the bitter herbs and the shank bone today. they wouldn't sell me just the bone, I had the pay to have the meat too. how silly. Got my brother a dragon fruit. forgetting all my beliefs about how its killing the planet to fly exotic fruit across the globe, it really reminds me of our trip to singapore. it looks so pretty. My pumpkin plant has grown leaves over the ground. yippee!I got my brother a donkey mask from the school costume cupboard. he's gonna be bottom and I'm gonna be cobweb from Midsummer night's dream at tomorrow's shaklespearean ball. we're even getting a taxi home, how very glamourous. we'll get all dolled up and go dancing. like the princesses.I have stuck to my eating plan today, no binges! I'm pleased. first time in a long long while. They have opened a restaurant for anorexics in berlin. is it just me or does that sound like a stupid idea?maybe I should make some new year's resolutions. hmm, might come back to thisI will be more spontaneous, braver, healthier, stronger, more loving, more caring, more aliveWho should I vote for?Your expected outcome:Liberal DemocratYour actual outcome: Labour 8Conservative -36 Liberal Democrat 60 UK Independence Party 4 Green 45You should vote: Liberal DemocratThe LibDems take a strong stand against tax cuts and a strong one in favour of public services: they would make long-term residential care for the elderly free across the UK, and scrap university tuition fees. They are in favour of a ban on smoking in public places, but would relax laws on cannabis. They propose to change vehicle taxation to be based on usage rather than ownership.Take the test at Who Should You Vote Forhow helpful!

envy

We all have things about our friends that make us slightly envious. Not in a bad way, but in a "Wow! I wish I had that person's hair, eyes, money, relationship, toe nails, whatever."So tell me what about me makes you envy me (cheap-ass ego boost/comment whoring, I know), then post this in your LJ and see what makes me envious of you! Nicked from elven_queenhaha, you don't know me quite well enough. but this could be fun. envious of me, now thats a strange one...also here's the crucial question, can i get away with going out in hot pants? will i just look like a fat slut? I'll have a floaty dress coat with them so its not just them and a top.

double dare

whilst its fresh in my mind I'll just say yippee MCR are playing reading. I was just thinking about them as I washed my hair. its gonna be so much fun, me, my brother, a tent, skittle vodka, copious weed and shrooms, music music music, what an adventure. see me there!I saw my dietician in the pub yesterday, it was so strange. she's not supposed to have a life outside her job. or drink. all she can do is try and make me drink my milk. Back to the pub, well i did a very strange thing yesterday. do you remember the guy I met at the bus stop last week? well I was bored at work so I decided to txt him, my phone had buggered up and his last messages hadn't really worked. and he said he was getting a drink and did i want to drop by after work. and I was umming and erring. then i did something totally uncharacteristic. I called him! I do not call people I don't know well. It is scary. But I did it. And said I'd come out.*short intermission in which I loose my bankcard shiiiiiiit*Finally overcome terror and leave house. Get lost, he gives me wrong directions to the pub and we end up in different ones. Luckily a girl I know works in the pub I was at so I chatted and met the people she works with, not looking like I went to the pub on my own. Which would be a little pathetic. He turned up with a friend. The others think this is trange, meeting up with someone you don't really know. I felt like doing something spontaneous. He had a friend and we chatted. when I meet new people we seem to get onto very strange subjects. like interesting scars and encounters with wild animals. I lose on all accounts, i haven't done enough exciting things. But we all got on well, though I don't think I was attracted to them. I think they'd thought I was a bit older, said we'd go clubbing when i come of age.Which is this weekend by the way. if you love me you'll show it with lots of gifts: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/registry/397RRYIZERBFD/ref%3Dwl%5Fem%5Fto/202-5149247-8890209just kidding. its not about presents, i haven't really asked for anything. I have everything I need, more than i need. The best things I have you can't buy in a shop or wrap in a box. anyway. my family's coming over for the seder meal. it'll be the first passover without my grandfather. i don't know how it'll be, he usually lead. his jokes, little phrases, quoting keates and kipling, a gentleman's manners. 'if everyone got what they wanted we'd all be driving jaguars and have redheaded women'. I miss him. I hope he gets better, i'm not allowed to go see him in hospital. he doesn't want to be remembered that way. just how he was, alive. We're going clubbing. all my girls. guys are busy with other plans. ah, like pete says, fuck 'em. It'll be more fun all girly, getting glammed up in our glitter and furs. Its a rock'n'roll, glam rock retro pop kinda place with a shakespearean theme for saturday. sounds prrrrfect. I can drink, dance, giggle, sing. all that jazz. next day I'm having a joint birthday picnic, play games, sip champagne outta tea cups, lie about. sounds fun, very chilled. im enjoying inviting people.today i saw an assembley, it mentioned eco-ethical idea. like my plastic bag quest. I hate them!do you use plastic bags? stop it, reuse your old ones! I work in a shop and give them out all the day long. its destroying the planet, you selfish motherfuckers. anyway, thats the end of my rant.deary me, I've become quite the budding hippy. still not decided who to vote for. the end of the year it drawing close, i've got to really start working. or I'll fail everthing. but now doesn't feel like the right time, its time to be outside, running under the sun. free like the birds, falling to the floor like magnolia petals, turning in the wind.

growl

gawd, I am a misery! Have managed to have a really depressing weekend, fighting with both parents and myself over nothing particularly important. too much crying. I'm lonely. So I'm up here on my own, maybe I should go down and apologise. I don't feel sorry but I'm just so fucking sad and lonely, need company (attention, give-me-attention). Why does everyone lie so much? when they're angry they tell the truth. and I know they're so sick of me. Too much crying, my face feels sore. My birthday is in a week, its turning into far far more stress than it's worth. the food, organising, presents. it's sposed to be fun. Has anyone ever been to club bohemia, they have a shakespearean aball on, sounds fabulous. my grandmother is asking me to tell her what to give as a gift. I really have no idea, what's appropriate. any clues greatly appreciated (I'll be 18, this is supposedly an monument birthday). I think I'll have to humble myself and go apologise. i still feel angry but I hate it when I know people are angry with me, I feel so bad, like little dirt on the floor. In some ways I can't imagine leaving home but then i think i must start to have my own life, where I live for me and don't focus on my mother. maybe there's something freudian going on there. hehe. she says i shouldn't get so worried, its perfectly normal for teenagers to fight with their parents. but for me its not alright, seriosuly, it feels like the end of the world and I hate myslef to death for it. Sorry to whine. Had a bad night yesterday, but today went better. we went to see my grandfather's ashes, the spot where they are. I'm not sure what i'm supposed to feel, there didn't seem to be anything there that reminded me of him. except that it overlooks a golf course. once he took me golfing when i was little, He was fast, i kept a little score card, i filled it up so couldn't do anymore, I'd got passed hole-in-20. I wasn't the best player. but it was nice of him to take me. I've been a bad girl and not eating all my food. but it made me feel better. Haven't done my work. grr I feel so angry with myself. You and me outside, lets fight. pow pow pow

survival - I shall fight another day!

I am sleepy, it's after 1am and I really should get some shut-eye. Just thought I'd check up on some people and update. I've got back from the before-mentioned chocolate party. yeah, I went to a chocolate party. this is unusual because:
I am shy, so am not often at parties (up until recently)
I am a bit reclusive and have been unappoachable so not often invited to parties.
I binge and am embaressed about it, so a party with loads of chocolate is a danger point.
I get scared about weight gain. chocolate is calorific (is that a word? did I invent it?)
Parties have booze galore, drinking lowers my eating inhibitions.

But I have survived. ok, I ate rather a bit, but it was not a binge. it was just eating rather a lot of chocolatey food over a period of time. like everyone else. i didn't feel guilty, and just got to the point where I didn't much want to eat anymore. felt a bit yucky. didn't drink loads and got to chat to lots of people I hadn't previously known very well. which was fun. there's someone I might possibly/maybe/kinda/maybe not like so was nice to talk to him.
On that subject, I saw such a beautiful girl today. well, woman. She was gorgeous, i couldn't stop looking at her from my upper level bus wondow. black and red dyed hair, pale with dark makeup, several piercings in her ears. looked like she might have worked at the bank, blue shirt, black skirt and chunky heels. looked like she had a personality that totally didn't fit the job. my heart skipped a beat when i saw her walk to queue up for my bus. I waited for her to come up the stairs, hoping she might sit next to me. she didn't come up, so I went down to look for/at her, and she'd disappeared. she must work in the town. maybe I'll go look for her.
I also (jokingly) attempted to seduce a firned of mine.she's never kissed a girl, I wanted to find some way of tricking her into kissing me. like miming something to her so she had to come very close to hear, then quickly kissing her. or turning my face as she hugged me to say goodbye. but I think I've scared her. danced, not good music. I love nirvana at the mo. I'm loving martha's boyfriend. not like that. he's just a really nice guy.
my tummy feels funny. tomorrow I'm gonna detox, nothing chemical. that means no cocktails in the evening for girly tv. I don't even want my yogurt, all those e-numbers. maybe I'll trade for some milk. milk is pure and white. i only want pure things. gonna go work out. my thighs look really weird, think the muscle's gone saggy. must get toned!

and just when I thought everything had gone quiet something rather exciting happened. I was getting the bus on my own, fingers crossed that i handed missed the last bus. I'm my red red coat, bopping along to heart-shaped box. then along came this guy. it was dark and he looked a bit hooded and shifty so i edged away. he said hi, i too and carried on lsitening. then he jestured to me to take off my headphones so I did and we started talking. he seemed really friendly and i was in a good mood so not scared. turned out he was going up to camden (at this time of night) on the train and he'd seen me and just had to go over and talk to me. the station is quite a way away from the bus stop, oh you know I'm a romantic, i go all fluttery at the slightest wink. He was starting up a stall selling crafts and things in camden, I'm a market lover, then my bus came, he jumped on the bus to get my number and I thought why not? usually I would have freaked out, then thought what it? the driver waited for us to finish and we swapped names. he text me later on, so luckily I got the number right. (and he didn't lose it like some people). I told him straight out I don't wanna date. I haven't got the time for a commitment, i'm so busy working, revising, examing, rebuilding my relationships and social life and going to the doctors that a bf would be wway too much to handle. who needs the aggravation? but hanging out, that i can do. i'll text him back tomorrow. even if nothing comes of it it made me feel nice. ever since I lost my period I've had a total love-life drought (for lack of any better phrase), actually the last time i had kissed a guy was shortly before I lost them. perhaps I stopped secreting pheromones. or skeletal really isn't sexy. but now, having piled on the pounds in the last few months, suddenly I'm getting a whole lot more attention.
geri halliwell was right. the woman has been inspiring me since I was 7. she's made me proud to be ginger. maybe I'll read her bio (anyone read it, is it good?).
so If I'd backed out of the party none of this would have ever happened. good omen. I'm going to sleep now.

first frapuccino of the summer

I just found this blog , isn't it cute. how adorable.
Today was such a sunny day, I even wore a skirt and sun glasses. Went to the dietician, she's a bit scary as she's tough but she's alright. has started being a lot nicer to me. She says I can do more exercise now (yippee, I'm so lazy! Must get fit) which is nice. I've very close to my proper weight. apparently my tummy is very flat. it just doesn't look that way to me. we talked a bit about the party i'm going to tomorrow. I think she thought it was funny. in other news today anorexic goes to chocolate party.
actually I've been to chocolate parties before, just this one has other people there. I will probably eat to much. but I don't feel all that bothered about it. Must try and get the mix right, eat but still interact with others. its easy to get absorbed in the food and forget there's a party.
She didn't tell me my weight, I don't want to know the numbers. i fixated on numbers. Which is strange for someone who doesn't much like maths. calories, minutes of exercise, pounds and kilos, counting the days, the pieces. I am more than just a number.
But apparently I look much better. am not so sure. need constant reassurance. My mum said they'll take a photo of me for a case history and show it to the children who will say 'she's fat'. I'm sure she ment this in a nice way, it just came out a bit wrong. My mum says people will like me better now because I am happy and pretty, which beats unhappy and pretty. but mums always say you're pretty. We drove with the top of the car down, the wind blowing in our hair.
I'm getting my nhs worth, this treatment is apparently 'luxury'. I feel sorry for people in america where you have to pay and be on waiting lsits. lots of people out there need help.
I've been growing some sunflowers. they're red and the shoots are springing up fast. also potted some pumpkins today. very satisfying, I can see how people can get excitied about gardening. oh lord did I just say that? how pathetic. is anyone else growing anything? can you beat mine? no, didn't think so.
My mentor to be cancelled our tea. rescheduled for next week. she doesn't know she's going to be my mentor. yet. I want to ask psychology'related questions and ask her opinions on things. maybe i can get some more, people studying already at uni. any contacts would be good.
Another ripple on the boy pool. I really must think of a name for them makes it easier. ok one in now Lancelot. This is the same guy would didn't txt me and made me feel doubtful. now turns out he lost my number, and now isn't sure whether to text/call me because it's been so long. this is so silly. it's already getting complicated and we're not even going out yet. so he's not sure if I like him. and I'm not sure if I like him. how am i sposed to find out? what a stupid little paragraph this is turning into. this is turning into a teeny-gossip-lip-gloss diary. ooh I think I might like someone else too. but maybe not. i should meet people when sober. might form proper opinion.
mushroom party is go! meet me in the park, costumes optional.
I'm going to do a proper intorduction to myself soon. So everyone knows me. Now I think I'll go watch desperate housewives. yeah, it's trash but we love it! The lib dems gave me a leaflet today. Vincent Cable is such a decent guy, I can't explain why I like him. guess he just has a lot of charisma. But really, what a nice guy. he even popped round door to door to visit.
Neighbours are taking down the fence. goodbye privacy. we can't do much because we don't own it. unfair? they have a little football playing boy, very energetic! Thats enough of mundane details of my life.
I'm in a vampirish mood.I've always been a little that way inclined. perhaps this is not the kind of thing i should be admitting to. well, i've got to go now so i can't go into much detail. Maybe another time? we'll catch up, coffee ok for you?





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